LITTLE ROCK — Dear ABC,
OK, so I didn't actually see your new Cavemen sitcom.
Then again, I'm pretty sure you didn't watch it either. A whole series based on irksome car insurance commercials? Admit it, you were viewing Beauty and The Geek on The CW on Tuesday too!
Seeing that you could use some new ideas and that you're not above paying people lots of money to come up with terrible ones, I put together this list of other commercial characters that you might consider developing shows around.
Burger King monarchs
Another royal family for the world to get obsessed with! What's up with the strange, perpetually grinning king? And why is he always peeping in people's windows? Isn't it about time we met his family? What is Queen Croissanwich wearing? Has she gained weight? Who is Prince Whopper Jr. dating? When are they getting married?
Charmin bears
Does America really need more of this toilet tissue-obsessed animal family? Well, does an animated bear, um, use Charmin in the woods?
Chad from Alltel
The cocky wireless salesman character who always outshines the geeky competition has a MySpace page. With more than 3,500 friends on it. In other words, there are more than 3,500 people who really don't get out much and have a lot of time on their hands. And they need something to watch.
Digger the Dermatophyte
After a long day of turning toenails yellow, Lamisil's oh-so-infectious mascot shares war stories over drinks with best friend forever Mr.
Mucus of Mucinex.
HeadOn voice
Apply directly to the prime-time schedule! Apply directly to the prime-time schedule!
Sonic couple
Forget therapy. This bickering husband-and-wife team prefers to take their relationship tensions to a fast-food drive-through. Call it Married ... With Chili-Cheese Coneys.
Tampax gal
Who drags along a Sam's Clubsize box of feminine protection when she goes on an afternoon date? Who can save a sinking boat with some quick thinking and superabsorbency? It's our fearless, savvy superhero saving the world one monthly cycle at a time!
Text-messaging family
OMG (oh my gosh)! WDYT (what do you think) of that text-messaging clan doing a whole show in abbreviation speak? Isn't that GR8(great)? Or at least SSIF (so stupid it's funny)? Wouldn't it have everyone ROFLing (rolling on the floor laughing)? Well, LEMENO (let me know)!
Viagra guys
Each week sexually challenged men overcome their struggles ... and then sit around some roadhouse strumming guitars and singing Elvis-style about it!
Eagerly awaiting my check,
Jennifer Apply directly to the e-mail:
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style, Pages 59, 63 on 10/07/2007