LITTLE ROCK — Q: My bonus daughter is troubled and I'd like her to get counseling, but I've learned that a counselor isn't bound to tell the parents what was discussed. How, then, can parents help their child? What if the child lies to the counselor or omits information? The counselor has no idea what's really happening in the home. What should a good bonus parent do?
A: This advice is for all parents - not just bonus parents - who feel their child needs counseling. It's not that a counselor doesn't want to discuss the troubled youth with parents - he can't by law (he can lose his license) unless the child mentions hurting herself or the desire to hurt others. Confidentiality ensures an honest relationship between therapist and patient. Without it, many will not tell the truth, and if a counselor doesn't know the truth he can't help the patient.
If there is something that needs to be discussed with a parent - say the child has been complaining that Dad is always with his new girlfriend - a therapist seeing the child may suggest that Dad spend more one-on-one time with the child - but wouldn't say, "Johnny told me your girlfriend is always around and he resents it." Knowing this, parents must listen carefully to what the therapist is saying to them after a session. He is offering clues to help your child without breaking the child's trust.
If there is a matter that the child needs to discuss with a parent, a therapist may ask the parent to sit in on a session so the child can tell the parent her true feelings. It's also a good idea for parents to ask to sit in if they want the counselor's helpto discuss an important topic with their child.
Usually both divorced parents must give permission for their child to get counseling - and since this is your bonus child, you don't have much say. If you see that your bonus daughter needs help, call it to the attention of her parents. Sometimes one parent thinks the child needs counseling and the other does not, which can come about when a parent is afraid to be blamed for something or doesn't understand what counseling can really offer the child, or fears it will be costly. Counseling is designed to help a child, not further alienate her. Most counselors work on a sliding scale - if they see a child needs an ear, they will help you.
Q:
My husband and his exwife went through an ugly divorce. Although she has apologized and has changed, she did do some terrible things and even tried to turn his children against him. Now that my husband and I have married, his relatives are inviting the ex-wife to family gatherings. I think it is insensitive. Am I overreacting?
A:
Overreaction is in the eye of the beholder, but it sounds to us as if you are the one who is offended, not your husband. Our take on this one is if she has realized her mistake and has apologized to her ex-husband, her children and extended family members, then it's time to let bygones be bygones.
We understand that it probably makes you angry - after all, she created this huge mess, and here everyone is accepting her back, no questions asked. But if you have broken up with someone before, you know how crazy you get when you are hurt. You say things and do things without thinking it through. Itsounds to us as if she has seen the error of her ways and you all have a chance to live a calmer life. Time to celebrate.
Truthfully, that's the good thing about family - you can screw up, but if you do your best to make amends, the people who care want to forgive you. And don't be so quick to think she's not family - if she's the mother of your husband's children, she's in there, whether you like it or not, and she will be around for a long time. If she hadn't apologized and she was asked to all the gatherings, good ex-etiquette suggests a conversation between your husband and his parents. But be careful: Asking family members to choose between past and present is tricky and can backfire. Try for a conversation that asks for an explanation for their reasoning.
Bottom line: Ask yourself what's best for the kids in thissituation. Angry parents? Angry new partners and extended family so that future gatherings are one big drag? We doubt it. All of you have an excellent opportunity to demonstrate the proper way to forgive and get along in the face of conflict to the children watching. This is something they will be able to use every day of their lives - at home, at school, even in the workplace. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. What's really insensitive is to have an excellent life lesson tool for the kids at your fingertips and not take advantage of it.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the co-founders of Bonus Families -
- and the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. Contact them at
Family, Pages 40 on 10/24/2007