LITTLE ROCK — Forgiving others is a formidable task, but forgiving ourselves could be even more challenging. Often our harshest critic is the one in the mirror.
Most of us live with a deeply internalized image of Who We Should Be. A composite of expectations - our own, our parents, our spouse's, society's - Who We Should Be doesn't make mistakes, commit hurtful acts, or suffer profound regret for things she wishes she hadn't done.
She also does not and can never exist. We're human; we make mistakes. If we're emotionally mature or striving to be, we learn from those mistakes and grow through our subsequent choices.
While I don't subscribe to the generic phrase of blanket forgiveness, "she did the best she could," I do remind good people who make mistakes that we're all human. For your own health and well-being, strive to move through the process of forgiveness to a wiser, better place, bearing in mind that forgiving ourselves is not about forgetting our mistakes or overlooking them. It's about mining them for the lessons they can teach, including the enormous lesson that no one is perfect.
If possible, apologize for whatever harm you have done to others. Make an effort to see the hurt from their perspective rather than yours. If possible, make amends in some way. Forgiveness researcher Julie Exline found that, more than anything else, a sincere apology accompanied by genuine remorse and an offer to make reparation helps restore a relationship and erase resentment and bitterness.
Then, move into deeper awareness of the choices you made and why you made them. Consider what factors infl uenced your behavior and whether they're still operative in your life and still infl uencing you in a way you may regret. Be honest with yourself about whether you've changed, or whether you want to.
People who have been hurt by others may find it extremely diffi cult to forgive themselves for the slightest fault or shortcoming. Requiring perfection of ourselves may be a way of distancing from the offender who harmed us, as well as a way of protecting ourselves from further harm; "If I'm really, really good, then ... I won't get hurt, attract attention, cause problems."
When we seek to forgive others, we need to understand that forgiveness is not forgetting, excusing or releasing someone from responsibility for his actions. When we seek to forgive our-selves, the same holds true.
According to Stephen Post, author of Why Good Things Happen to Good People, the most appropriate level of forgiveness may be wishing that the offender will undergo an awakening, the kind of reckoning with his dark side that will allow him to grow into a better person. If forgiving yourself is a struggle, then begin that process of reckoning and seek ways to grow, serve and mature.
A note of caution for those who may have to interact with someone who harmed them: Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation, or the healing and resuming of a relationship, may be the end result, but it's not your goal. Be smart - reconciliation with someone who hurt you is inappropriate if it puts you or anyone else in harm's way or if it is reached so easily that the other person doesn't feel personally responsible for his actions.
The more severe the harm, the more difficult it is to forgive. An extremely important aspect of forgiving is understanding that it may be beyond your ability.
According to Exline, "If there is a very severe harm and no apology and you have no clear relationship with the other person, it's really hard to forgive. When there are devastating consequences; when you are reminded of the event every day; when someone has hurt your child or loved one. But if you continue to hate the guts of that person, you are ultimately hurting yourself. Even if you fear thatperson, even if you suffer great loss, it is important not to be trapped in a cycle of hatred and bitterness."
When I read this, it brings to mind the healing power of faith. When we cannot receive justice or accountability during our lives, faith tells us accountability will occur. When we cannot forgive because the damage is too terrible, we can turn the task of forgiveness over to the source of unlimited love. Then, to the best of our ability, we move on knowing that forgiveness is not an event, it's a process we can begin but which may require divine guidance and intervention to fulfi ll.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 515 Enterprise Drive, Suite 106, Lowell, Ark. 72745. E-mail her at:
Family, Pages 35, 37 on 10/24/2007