LITTLE ROCK — Who doesn't long for someone to hold Who knows how to love you without being told Somebody tell me why I'm on my own If there's a soulmate for everyone.
- British singer Natasha Bedingfield in her 2004 hit "Soulmate"
We've heard a lot recently about the "law of attraction," the notion that our thoughts determine our destinies - that if we think good thoughts, good things will happen to us.
Let's tweak that for what we'll call "the law of instant attraction," which is the current romantic conceit of soul mates, the idea that one special person exists for each of us and, if we truly believe this, we will connect somehow, somewhere ... and recognize each other instantly when we do so.
It's fate, it's destiny, it's a sure thing. There's a soul mate for everyone and soul mates are forever.When a person meets his soul mate, he's set for a lifetime of easy happiness and companionship.
That's the upside of soul-mate theory. The downside? If we meet our soul mate and miss the chance to be together, we'll never find the happiness we desire or deserve.
This is a theme we know well from movies.
Think Sleepless in Seattle, in which Meg Ryan falls in love with a voice she hears on a radio show.
Fearing that if she doesn't act on her feelings she'll never know true love, she travels across the country to find the man belonging to the voice.
Then there's 1987's Made in Heaven, in which Timothy Hutton meets his soul mate, Kelly McGillis, while both souls are in heaven. After her soul is sent to earth, Hutton makes a deal with a heavenly figure so he can go to earth and find her. Of course he does because, after all, their soul match was "made in heaven."
Countless Web sites address the topic of soul mates, with many being repositories for gushing testimonials to this most romantic of ideals. For more evidence of the appeal of soul mates, just peruse listings on any Internet dating site and you'll find numerous people seeking a soul mate, a person to complete them, their one and only. One dating enterprise, the ubiquitous eHarmony, markets its services by assuring potential clients "it is possible to find your soul mate."
We can't help but be aware of what popular culture posits about soul mates, but is there more to it? What is a soul mate - really?
"A person you connect with at the deepest levels of who you are," says the Rev. Ray Higgins, coordinator of the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship of Arkansas.
"I don't really think about it because it's such a trite term, but ... someone willing to share a lifetime with you - the good, the bad and the in between," says Marianne M. Jennings, professor of legal and ethical studies at Arizona State University.
"I would define it as two people who seek to know the core of one another, and seek always to understand and honor the other and the other's uniqueness," says the Rev. Betsy Singleton, pastor of Quapaw Quarter United Methodist Church in Little Rock.
"There are many definitions, depending upon who you might ask," says James Rush, chairman of the Division of Humanities and the department of philosophy and religion at Philander Smith College in Little Rock.
SOUL CONNECTION
The soul-mate concept may be traced to Plato, who theorized that before birth a perfect soul was split into male and female halves. During life, Plato said, the two pieces of the souls had to find each other to be complete.
The idea of a deep connection between two (or perhaps more) people exists in many religious traditions, Rush says, noting specifically Taoism, Buddhism and Hinduism. The soul connection relates to reincarnation, the belief that a soul experiences many physical lifetimes on earth. During these lifetimes, a soul connects with many other souls.
"One way of looking at it is that all the individuals one meets in a lifetime is a soul mate," he says. "We reconnect with similar people throughout many lifetimes in order to learn through one another."
If a person chooses one of these souls to be his sole mate, it's because both souls are working to become enlightened.
"Another way of putting that,"Rush says, "is becoming more compassionate and loving to all humans. Your soul mate is there as kind of a mirror for you to see those things you need to pay attention to and change so you become more compassionate."
Rush says that the romanticized concept of soul mates that permeates popular culture "is not really looking at the subtle, deep connections."
HEART OF THE MATTER
A person may have soul mates on different levels, says Higgins, explaining that a friend with whom a person has a close trusting relationship could be one type of soul mate. But "the deepest level can be one's spouse."
Higgins says he believes "the Scripture has two bottom-line criteria for the marriage type of soul mates," although the actual phrase "soul mates" isn't mentioned. "Marriage involves a man and a woman, and one should marry a person of thesame faith.
"Can a person have a soul mate outside of these two qualities?" he says. "Yes, I think it happens. Can a person follow these two criteria and not have a soul mate? Yes, it happens all the time.
"I think there are a variety of people in the world who can become one's soul mate. As a Christian, you pray for God's guidance, you form healthy relationships with people, you make mature choices, you believe in a lifetime commitment, then you work every day on making the relationship the best it can be."
Higgins says he believes that his wife, Judy, and he are soul mates. They met 33 years ago when they were both 18. What makes them soul mates is that they come from "common backgrounds, life experiences, family and faith." They also share values and goals, accept each other's imperfections, complement strengths and weaknesses, and make sacrifices for each other. They reared two sons together.
"Other people may describe their relationship with different qualities, but the qualities I mention are what have made us soul mates," Higgins says.
A long-term relationship that has at the heart of it caring and concern is the essence of a soul-mate union, Jennings says. Most people who say they've found their soul mate soon after meeting don't know what they're talking about, she explains. "I hate it when they say, 'They're my soul mate.' I just want to say, 'You're so clueless. Wait until the first labor pain, then you can talk soul mates.'"
In June 2001 , Jennings expressed her opinion online about the f indings of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University's survey of single and married people ages 20-29. The organization revealed in its report "State of Our Unions 2001" that 94 percent of never married singles agreed "when you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost."
"Well, la-de-da," Jennings wrote in an article for Jewish World Review (www.jewishworldreview.com). "The Oprahfication of America is complete."
She said in an interview that her husband of 31 years is her soul mate, but she didn't think of him as such early in their relationship. Two people become soul mates after years of sharing their daily lives, of hanging tight when life becomes challenging. A soul mate is "someone there for the long run, someone who has come to care so deeply that no one else would substitute."
Singleton says she discovered her soul mate in husband Vic Snyder. "I have found the person with whom I can grow. We both work hard to understand one another, support one another and meet each other's needs. My husband tells me every day he loves me, and I know he means it because he accepts me even when I'm not so lovable. He is my hero."
NOT SO SOULFUL
Today's romantic view of soul mates may set up unrealistic expectations and may lead people to believe that a true soul-mate relationship comes without challenges, Rush says. "It's romanticism 24-7 for 50 years."
Singleton agrees. "Our culture often promotes the idea that if the relationship is not easy or not working, it must not be the 'right' person," she says. "Thankfully, we live in a time when more couples who have problems are willing togo to therapy. ... A relationship cannot work if one partner does not want to work with the other person on the problems, even if it begins with the couple thinking they are 'perfect' for one another."
"Soul mate" as it is used today has become an empty term, Jennings says.
With that in mind, let's do a little Internet soul searching. We see that on Biography.com, a person can take a quiz to find his "dead celebrity soul mate" and at teenadvice.about.com, he may determine if someone is his soul mate by answering 20 questions. The site posts the caveat that the quiz is for "entertainment purposes only."
Check out www.mysoulmates.net, which presents a menu of "soul mate Web sites." Among them are Sugardaddie.com (where the "attractive, classy and affluent" meet), Wealthymen.com (where a woman can find a soul mate who earns more than$100,000 a year) and itextyou.com (where a person can meet his soul mate, or at least a "play date," on his cell phone). Hardly soulful stuff.
But soul mates are serious business at eHarmony.com, where America's self-appointed mate-selection expert makes seekers answer more than 400 questions as the first step in their quests. The company's founder, Neil Clark Warren, says in his book Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons that when folks at eHarmony speak of soul mates, "We are talkingabout two people who enjoy broad-based compatibility; they fit together."
By broad-based compatibility, Warren means sharing most or all of 29 components of a relationship as determined by him and his staff, including intellect, ambition, energy level and character.
A person may find someone through a dating service, Jennings says, but she notes that none of the advertisements for such services quote people in long-term relationships. "I haven't seen a soul-mate ad that says, 'We've been together for 30 years.'"
Soul mates aren't "found," Jennings says. A love affair may emerge from a spark of romantic magic, but a soulmate relationship develops from a "deeper connection that comes from really building on that spark.
"Magic comes in building a life together."
Family, Pages 35, 40 on 10/24/2007