LITTLE ROCK — Dear Otus,
We've been reading your weekly column for more than 20 years and highly value your opinion and we're waiting for your advice before we proceed.
We love to dress up our pets for Halloween. Our cat, Mr. Snuggums Whiskers III, is very handsome with an Elvis wig and rhinestone sunglasses, and our dachshund, Baron Barkum von Wienerdag, is really cute as a caterpillar with wiggly antennae.
We've had them wear the same costumes for the past three years. My questions are these: Should we change out the costumes this Halloween? Do dogs and cats get weary of wearing the same old thing? We want them to be happy.
- Minnie Cooper, Fort SmithDear Minnie,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you, but mainly so that I might have the opportunity to admonish you in the strongest terms and urge you to seek contrition and, if you must, professional help.
Let me put it plainly: Whatin the heck are you thinking?
There is a special bolgia reserved in the Eighth Circle of hell for those who have deviated from the desired mean into the excesses of anthropomorphism.
The ditch of stone lies just beyond the bolgia reserved for panderers and seducers and just before that for the barrators immersed in a lake of boiling pitch.
All the condemned anthropomorphites are dressed as garden gnomes and are pushing giant litter boxes. Once they crash together, the entire process begins again.
A terrible way to spend eternity.
I suppose it is better than those who must tread forever the cold muck of the Stygian marsh for having the human hubris of going even further and treating their animals as surrogate children.
Your pets are animals, Minnie. Four-legged, fur-coated, lick themselves animals. They are not children.
Your pets are companions. They serve a symbiotic, mutually beneficial purpose in yourlife. They provide a valuable service for the relatively inexpensive cost of daily food and water and the occasional trip to the vet for a checkup.
It is the most vile of species superiority for you to subject another livingsentient creature to the humiliation of wearing any sort of outfit, let alone a Halloween costume, for your amusement.
I will tell you this only once. Your dog, being a dog, may seemto enjoy wearing a costume, but he does not.
As is the wolf from which he sprang, your dachshund is a pack animal and you are the alpha dog in his pack. He would do most anything you asked of him in order to curry your favor and maintain his place in the household hierarchy.
He would debase and humiliate himself. He would slavishly drool and wag his tail. He would roll over on his back and perform rudimentary tricks if you asked him to.
That's the way dogs are. They can't help it.
But you are most fortunate that the last time you tried to dress up your cat you didn't pull away a bloody nub. If your cat has not already demonstrated some sort of painful displeasure with being dressed up like Elvis, it's only a matter of time.
I recall one Christmas whenOwner tried to tie a stupid little reindeer antler thing on my head. He carries the small scar to this day. I'm very fond of Owner, but I have my limits.
Cats have long memories. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but one of these days horrendous feline retribution shall descend upon you with the wrath of the harpies. It's always when you least expect it.
My advice to you would be this: Ask your pets for forgiveness. Seek absolution through prayer, meditation and the solace of special fishy treats for your cat and a rawhide bone for your dog.
Burn the egregious and offensive animal costumes and speak no more of this forever.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that it's OK for you to dress up as a dog.
Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: mstorey@arkansasonline.com
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