FAYETTEVILLE — No jokes.
Don't want to hear that Mike Slive is the first SEC commissioner in history to have a team win the Sun Belt.
That the Arkansas Razorbacks have earned the right to play in the New Orleans Bowl and will be their own opponent.
That Florida International had more turnovers than an Italian bakery.
That Fayetteville was full of visitors Saturday who wanted to get as far away from competitive college football as possible.
Or that John Pelphrey could have played - in a basketball uniform.
No cracks about the only thing longer than FIU's losing streak, standing strong at 20, is the Nile.
No jokes.
When the day comes, and it will come, that Arkansas State appears on the Arkansas Razorbacks' schedule, for economic reasons if no other, remember FIU.
Those thousands of empty seats Saturday would have been filled with cardinal-clad fans or those wearing red and black.
Arkansas led 17-0 after what seemed like a decade but was really just 15:21 of playing time, and had only 98 yards of offense.
The offense never really got on track, but then it wasn't really necessary.
The Razorbacks had only one snap in their own territory in the first quarter because FIU suffered three turnovers on its first four possessions and the Hogs scored after all of them.
It wasn't that FIU was that bad, it was just that compared to the Razorbacks, they were awful.
No doubt, there are some nice kids on the team. Not all of them picked a fight with the University of Miami last year.
Actually, they are much better fighters than footballers.
Back in Florida, there were probably some proud parents and grandparents hoping for an upset. They might as well have been wishing for a winning lottery ticket.
Truth is, Arkansas played perhaps its worst game of the season and still made the visitors look like the worst team in the Sun Belt, among other places.
When quarterback Wayne Younger, who seemed to get older by the minute, broke free for about 70 yards, half of it was called back for a hold that came after Younger had passed the alleged blocker.
By the half, the Hogs led 31-10 and had 220 yards of offense, 115 on the ground and 105 through the air, and make no mistake, they consistently played down to the level of competition.
It was a half that featured two catches by Marcus Monk, wholimped slightly, with the second one going for his first touchdown of the season.
Thankfully, he was not hurt and did not play in the second half.
When Casey Dick got knocked out of the game, walk-on Nathan Emert came in and moved the Razorbacks, accounting for 86 of the 122 second-quarter yards.
In fact, he looked like a very worthy backup who might be called on sooner than expected because Dick suffered a concussion and bruised ribs.
Even though the yardage was close, 220-201, the game didn't feel as close as the 31-10 halftime score.
By the time Arkansas made it 41-10, the stadium was only half full and quickly heading towardthree-fourths empty.
The defense, which gave Reggie Herring fits in the second quarter, held the visitors to only 16 third-quarter yards.
Florida International's first possession of the last quarter ended up losing 17 yards, but then, it was typical for the afternoon.
Not to beat a dead hog, but the Razorbacks were ragged overall and played down to the competition, so there's no extra reason to be concerned about the final four opponents being from the SEC instead of the Sun Belt, which is a decent basketball conference.
It wasn't pretty and it wasn't impressive. It was just a basic, boring victory.
If only Florida hadn't been International.
Sports, Pages 29 on 10/28/2007