LITTLE ROCK — DEAR MR. ROSEMOND: After watching movies about war and children's movies in which villains die, my 5-year-old has started asking questions about killing and death. I have explained that killing someone is wrong, but found it difficult to explain the difference between the killing that sometimes takes place when good guys are fighting bad guys and killing that has no legitimating purpose. I thought she understood the difference, but she recently said to me that "if people don't behave themselves, we should kill them." Have I opened a can of worms?
DEAR PARENT: Thanks for asking me a question that allows me to get up on one of my favorite soap boxes: the tendency on the part of today's parents (adults in general, in fact) to take children so very seriously. Fifty-plus years ago, people took child-rearing seriously, but they took children with a grain of salt. Today, people take child-rearing and children seriously, which explains why the fun has drained out of child-rearing for so many people.
Furthermore, it is not good for children to be taken so very seriously so much of the time.
A 5-year-old child who says, "If people don't behave themselves, we should kill them" has absolutely no appreciation of the significance of what she is saying. It is therefore not to be taken "seriously," as if the child's statement represents some underlying psychological impulse that if not capped today will fester and grow and eventually cause your daughter to become the first 21-year-old female ever to run amok in the crowded downtown area of a metropolis with a submachine gun while screaming "I told you to behave yourselves!"
Furthermore, when you answer your daughter's questions about death, dying, killing and the like, you should not think that your answers are apocalyptic, that one wrong word will plant the seed of mass murder in her mind. But this is today's mother for you - she worries about everything; takes everything seriously; punishes herself for mistakes committed and imagined; and is rarely if ever able to sit back and savor the simplicity of child-rearing.
When your daughter asks questions that are morally complex, keep it simple, as follows: What is killing? It's when someone makes someone else die. Why do people kill? Some people are bad. But killing monsters and witches is OK? Yes, some killing is OK. (Don't worry about contradicting yourself.)
At some point (when it starts getting complicated), end the conversation by saying "We've talked about this enough. When you are older you'll understand this stuff much, much better, so we'll talk about it again when you're older. Now, I've got things to do, so I need you to find something to do as well."
And let that be the end of it.
DEAR MR. ROSEMOND: My 7-year-old tried to leave a phone message and it did not go well. She started off great and then drew a blank and started getting mad (audibly) while the message was still recording. I told her to just hang up. Afterward she started yelling "I'm so stupid!" and she threw herself on the floor and started crying. Should I be concerned about this and do something about it?
DEAR MR. ROSEMOND: Assuming this sort of thing is not a constant occurrence, I don't think you need to be concerned in the least. Your daughter's self-deprecating outburst simply means she does not have command of her emotions. (She won't acquire that command for years to come.) Let me assure you that there is no psychological significance to what she did. Therefore, it merits nothing from a parent other than just walking away.
John Rosemond is a family psychologist and the author of several books on rearing children. Write him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 E. 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240; or see his Web site at:
Family, Pages 35 on 10/31/2007