OTUS THE HEAD CAT Free seminars teach owners how to stretch their own cats

— Dear Otus,

I want to thank you for your pet advice column. You are doing the readers of the Democrat-Gazette a great service.

My question has to do with my shrinking cat Snowball. Ever since she turned 10, she has been getting noticeably shorter. She's now about three inches shorter than she used to be.

- Charles Dodgson Mountain ViewDear Chuck,

Cat shrinkage is a growing problem in the United States. I blame cell phones and video games. I'm not sure why. That's just a convenient thing to do.

To address the problem, an increasing number of specialists have become cat stretchers across the country, with expensive catstretching boutiques popping up in higher-end neighborhoods.

Cat owners can save a lot of money by attending one of the free cat-stretching seminars that are being sponsored by your county extension service. The hands-on demonstrations show you just how easy it is for you to gently stretch your own cat back to its normal length.

The next seminar is scheduled for 10 a.m. Sept. 5 at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock's Cynthia C. and Charles Haywood Murphy II Institute for Feline Advancement.

Light refreshments and chicken-flavored kibble will be served.

The guest speaker will be renowned cat stretcher Conchita Estirar, host of the National Geographic Channel's The Cat Stretcherer (8 p.m. Tuesdays).

Estirar also hosts Animal Planet's Pet Pilates series and Yoga for You and Your Cat.

Seminar seating is limited to 487. Admission is free, but you must have a ticket for yourself and your cat. For more information, call (501) 374-1110.

Dear Otus,

I have a year-old black Lab who my neighbor says is odd because he does not "hike" his leg to make water. Is there something wrong with him?

- Peter Pindar Fairfield BayDear Pete,

Something wrong with which - your dog or your neighbor?

According to mitochondrial DNA, leg hiking was not the norm among the first Neolithic dogs domesticated from the wolf in what is now eastern China. The Chinese, by the way, held dogs in very low esteem and history tells us the first known dog's name was Gouzazhong, which translates to "mongrel dog."

Leg hiking did not become the male canine standard until the invention of the aboveground fire hydrant in Philadelphia in 1803. Your dog will grow out of it, or you may have to show him how it's done.

Dear Otus,

We can't make up our minds which "designer" dog to purchase. We have narrowed it down to a cockapoo, Chihuachshund, snorkie, borador, Jakaniel, Labraghan, yorkiepoo, snickerdoodle or boxweiler. Any suggestions?

- Alice Liddell Elm SpringsDear Ali,

Yes. I suggest you quit groveling after status and visit the Humane Society of the Ozarks in Fayetteville. Save a life and a lot of money and adopt a mutt.

Dear Otus,

I own a pygmy goat that weighs only 28 pounds but the city keeps threatening me with a lawsuit. Meanwhile, my next-door neighbor owns four English mastiffs that weigh about 150 pounds each and have turned their backyard into a stygian fen. The city sees nothing wrong with this. Is there anything I can do?

- Gray Malkin Little Rock Dear Gray,

First of all, bonus points for using "stygian fen" in an e-mail. Second, as we all know, pygmy goats are the gateway ungulates to larger, more insidious breeds.

First you'll ask for a pass on your teeny pygmy goat. Next you'll get a Nubian, then a massive Boer goat and the even larger Gotchur.

The laws are there for a good reason. Either give up the goat, or move to the country.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you to always spay and neuter.

Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. E-mail: mstorey@arkansasonline.com

HomeStyle, Pages 37 on 08/29/2009

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