ARLINGTON, Texas — This just in:
Contrary to published pregame fears, the humongous, $40 million, high-definition, U2-adaptable video board at Cowboys Stadium did not eat any vagabond footballs Saturday night.
In fact, no footballs at all were harmed in the playing of this NFL exhibition game, won in accompanying harmless fashion by the San Francisco 49ers over the host Dallas Cowboys 20-13.
Thus, one of the preseason's biggest non-stories unfolded here Saturday much the same way that the previous weekend's amateur stunt should have - with a yawn, not an NFL committee meeting.
Repeat after me, people. The video board, under normal game conditions, will not be a national issue during the coming NFL season. In time, much like Jerry Jones' old Papa John commercials, the public will grow accustomed to seeing the board, and the league will realize that what happens below the giant screens is a lot more interesting than what happens on them.
I neglected to major in physics, but I'd be willing to bet my slide rule on two things:
(1) The majority of NFL punters, standing right below the 90-feet-high video screens, can kick a ball into the board's inner framework.
(2) Nearly all of them will maturely choose not to under normal game conditions.
The applicable law of physics, I believe, is the one that says, "A high, booming punt isn't usually an effective, long one."
In all, there were 10 punts during Saturday's game. The closest any of the two punters, Andy Lee or the Cowboys' Mat McBriar, came was in the third quarter when McBriar boomed one 37 yards to the 49ers' 12-yard line. It sailed safely under the west end of the board by, oh, 15 or 20 feet.
Lee did appear to hit the inside of the board once during pregame warm ups.
But that was it. Nobody pin balled a punt off the scaffolding inside the board during the game. Nobody phoned NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell at halftime - not that we know of, at least - demanding that he make owner Jones take the big TV down.
That is what it is, after all, in case anyone forgot last week. It's an honest concession to modern man's television viewing habits. It is Jones' way of scratching two itches - the one in his wallet that wants warm bodies in the new stadium's many seats, and the one that would make an otherwise paying customer want to stay home and watch the game on his big-screen TV.
Tex Schramm would be applauding Jones heartily on this. When the late Schramm was team president, he publicly expressed his fears that the pro football game would one day turn into a studio sport, where the live game would not be able to match a spectator's home viewing experience.
But Jones has solved that. With his 160-foot-long video screen, radiant in high-definition color, every seat in the stadium has become a good one.
Because of its stunning size and brightness, the board seems lower than its 90 feet. Hence, it makes a loud target for a visiting punter looking to tweak Jones' nose.
The same thing happened 34 years ago when the NFL's first center-hung video board made its debut at the Louisiana Superdome.
The Superdome "gondola," as it was called, consisted of four square projection screens on which a video signal was beamed. Dave Dixon, who spearheaded the drive to build the Superdome, told The Times-Picayune of New Orleans last week that he got the idea of a big, overhanging TV screen because he wanted to see the instant replays that he saw at home.
The gondola was 90 feet above the artificial turf, and not one NFL punter hit it during the 1975 regular season.
The Pro Bowl was held in the Superdome after that season, and Oakland's Ray Guy, perhaps the greatest NFL punter ever, couldn't resist.
"I hit it a few times warming up,hoping I'd get a chance," Guy told the Times-Picayune. "It came in the third quarter. I was punting from around the 10-yard line, and I had Pro Bowl rules going for me - you didn't rush the punter unless he fumbled the snap. Well, I had a good angle and I got into it real good."
Sometime between that January and when Guy returned with the Raiders for Super Bowl XV - nobody seems sure when - the Superdome gondola was raised by several feet. As technology advanced, the gondola's screens were eventually replaced with standard video boards above the dome's end zones.
"If Mr. Jones had called," Guy said, "I could have told him some stories."
Maybe so. But last time I checked, there was only one Ray Guy.
Inevitably, another opposing team's punter will hit the Cowboys Stadium's board this season. Just as inevitably, somebody with a camera or keyboard will see it as a scandal with global implications and blame it all on that rich rascal Jones.
Sure enough, no sooner had Lee hit the board during Saturday's warm-ups did an Associated Press story move on the national wire.
Hopefully, though, we'll all soon get over this, and people will recognize the Cowboys' new home for the palace it is.
From one Guy to another, no further committee meetings are necessary.
Sports, Pages 16 on 08/31/2009