Have a heart!

Another Valentine's Day, but no sweetie? Nevermind. Here's a Friday the 13th unlucky, unromantic list just for you

By Kyle Brazzel

Priya Sethi (Shriya Saran) talks on the phone in her native India in The Other End of the Line.

ADVERSTISMENT

LITTLE ROCK — Believe whatever Valentine's Day origin story you want: We're partial to the one that has St. Valentine carve out his still-beating heart and sending it to the mistress who rejected him. While that's not very practical, or even particularly believable - outside of a Poe story, how long would a removed heart beat, especially if you drove it to the Arkansas town of Romance to have it postmarked? - the myth proves there's more than one way to look at the day traditionally embroidered with a lacy trim of love. If you've been rolling your eyes when you see all those signs urging you to pre-order chocolate-dipped strawberries for pickup Saturday, if it's your lot in life to always bite into the gross maple-flavored bonbon in a heart-shaped box of chocolates, this list is for you: 13 unlucky, unromantic things to do this holiday weekend that are sure to chill your black little heart:

1. Point the finger. Little Rock Tours and Travel is offering a special Valentine's version of its regular murder-mystery dinners. (Slogan: "Love not only hurts - it can kill!" So you know Little Rock Tours is totally in the tank for the anti-Valentine's Day lobby.) Four Little Rock stage veterans will play out a detective-story scenario that will test the sleuthing skills of either romantics who want to take a walk on the wild side, or misanthropists who'll figure the fictional victim got what was coming to him and we're all going to die alone anyway. Either way, there'll be wine - something the whodunit dinners don't normally have. Arkansas Museum of Natural History, 503 E. Ninth St., $49 for dinner with wine - $44 for dinner without, 6:30 p.m. Saturday, dress: business casual. For reservations call (501) 868-7287.

2. Go see the ultimate mood killer. We all know what happens to lovers when Jason Voorhees spies them through the eye holes of his hockey mask. Chastity will taste sweeter than candy after seeing the Friday the 13th reboot, out this weekend.

3. Eat garlic. What have you got to lose?

4. Fill a shoe box with memories from the days when Valentines were obligatory. With so many 1980s-era heroes slapped back onto schoolchild cards, you can let Batman, Barbie, Hello Kitty, the Transformers and even Indiana Jones usher you back to a time when everybody had to give you a Valentine, whether they wanted to or not.

5. Baby-sit. If you don't have a date, why not make a little money off those who do? According to the online baby-sitting resource Sitter City, which calculates average wages by ZIP code and child count, the going hourly rate for an adult hired to watch two kids in Pulaski County is at least $13.

6. See a psychic. The cynical view holds that they'll tell you what you want to hear: Sure, you'll have someone special by Valentine's Day 2010. But Katherine Friday, who'll offer Life Path Readings as part of Saturday's Psychic Fair at The Spirit Totem (3009 W. Markham St., Little Rock, 501-663-1700), offers a more balanced view. Her half-hour sessions, she says, blend numerology and astrology for an assessment of the subject's natural gifts and "how we can make the most of what we came here with." "I describe it as more of a road map of our life," Friday adds. So, do Life Path Readings have more to offer the lovelorn or the happy-and-settled? "Both," Friday says. "It can give insight about what partner a person may be best suited to, or if they're already in a relationship, it can indicate if that's one that's really going to be the best and how to make the best of it." And regardless of how long it takes for your life path to lead to love, you'll be able to hear it coming a lot better if you visit the fair's Hopi ear candling station, to have goop coaxed out of your ear canals. Would you really want a date to see that? (10 a.m. to 3 p.m., free admission but service-provider prices vary.)

7. Get your cat groomed, cat lady.

8. Slip on your loudest, fuzziest Cosby sweater, pick out a one-dimensional roaring-fireplace or autumnal-forest backdrop and pose for a solo portrait. Olan Mills studios are hard to find anymore in these parts - the Kmarts in Cabot and Russellville house them - but, just like in romance, half the fun is the thrill of the chase.

9. Volunteer. They say that living well is the best revenge, but what they never say is how long it takes to know you've been living well. A month? A year? However long your ex stayed married before getting divorced? But feeling superior, like through the ennobling aspect of doing good, is instantly gratifying.

10. Go dark. Let all the happy couples go hear the ambrosial jazz of Rodney Block at Little Rock's Afterthought ($7, 9 p.m. Saturday, 2721 Kavanaugh Blvd., 501-663-1196). But forget whispering sweet nothings; a date - if you had one - couldn't even scream into your ear and be heard at Downtown Music Hall's weekend double bill of aggression: Jucifer today ($8, 8 p.m.), Sychosys on Saturday ($6, 9 p.m.) 211 W. Capitol Ave., Little Rock, (501) 376-1819.

11. Take aim. The Shooter's Gallery, 4114 E. Broadway in North Little Rock, offers an unnerving array of photorealistic paper targets.

12. Celebrate the single life by taking in a one-man show. Looking Over the President's Shoulder, starring Lawrence Hamilton - and only Lawrence Hamilton - as a butler to four U.S. presidents, closes this weekend at the Arkansas Repertory Theatre, 601 Main St., Little Rock. Call (501) 387-0405 for Friday-Sunday showtimes. Elsewhere, what's less sexy than imagining you see a 6-foot-tall rabbit no one else can? That's the conundrum in Harvey, also closing this weekend at Murry's Dinner Playhouse, 6323 Colonel Glenn Road, (501) 562-3131.

13. Make something up. Mash-up words to describe social and romantic trends are all the rage. But it takes two bros to embark on a bromance, and to go on a babymoon - the second honeymoon you take before the baby comes - you technically need two other people, if you count the baby. Who says the Valentine-less can't get in on the act? Lobby to legalize me-rriage, so you can get married to yourself and go on a just-me-moon.

Weekend, Pages 62 on 02/13/2009