LITTLE ROCK — DEAR CAROLYN: I guess I could be considered a neat freak about personal hygiene: I brush two minutes three times a day, floss daily, shower often twice daily.
Hubby will say, "Well, I showered last night, so I don't need to shower today." But I can smell him. And it turns me off.
I've tried nicely telling him he might need another shower (on a 90-degree day), outright telling him I can smell him, asking him to just humor me and take a shower, etc. He digs in his (smelly) heels.
He can't smell his B.O. (and it's not that bad - if he were just a co-worker, I wouldn't care), and he just doesn't like to devote the extra 30 minutes a day, total, to what he thinks is "primping."
I realize I've married someone with different hygiene standards than mine, and that I can't tell anyone what to do with his body. But, staying six feet away instead of cuddling a clean, fresh man just makes me sad.
Hubby will shower prior to "getting together," but by that point, I'm already so turned off that I'm just not interested.
- Armpitville, Va.
DEAR READER: If you've made a clear, causal connection between more showers and more sex, and he's still not lathering up, then this certainly smells like an impasse.
I'm wondering, though, if you're fully aware what you're saying to him, and what he's saying back.
You're treating his hygiene as a choice, but I suspect he - consciously or not - is seeing this as a war over the involuntary. He is human! He smells. He will smell less often if he showers more often, but he will still be the human you married.
Your co-worker comment suggests "Hubby" doesn't exude that knock-you-back, wait-for-the-next-elevator kind of B.O. - it's just person smell. And your hygiene habits suggest you find the whole person-smell idea repulsive on anyone, yourself included.
And while it's natural to expect more of loved ones - you expect hugs, gifts, loyalty from spouses, but obviously not from strangers, right? - there are also times to demand less of them than we do others.
The line, I believe, falls between the voluntary and involuntary. With the behavior they can control, like being kind or staying faithful or just taking out the trash, we expect our loved ones to do their best around us. With the stuff they can't control - getting laid off, getting sick, getting old - they need us to do our best, and be extra forgiving with them.
You said yourself that a colleague could smell person like and you wouldn't care, so, you're less forgiving with your husband.
And this is where I think he's digging in, saying: No. This is who I am. You're rejecting who I am.
Maybe your feelings aren't strong enough to overpower the smell anymore; maybe the smell is strong enough to overpower yourfeelings. Either way, sensory responses are difficult, if not impossible, to change.
However, the brain is a powerful instrument, too. If you're still in this marriage emotionally (huge "if "), then rally your brain for the cause: Consciously replace "Why won't he just shower!" with "He is human, and I love him." Willfully dispose yourself to be more kindly to him.
He, in return, just might grow more kindly disposed to soap.
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Weekend, Pages 35 on 10/01/2009