LITTLE ROCK — For many older Americans, health problems can often lead to a very challenging family dynamic - a role reversal between parent and child. Children become a parent’s parent.
Needless to say, this change can create a great deal of conflict, particularly when older parents are determined to retain their independence while the children place safety over freedom. For concerned children, fears for the parent can include everything from “the house is too big” and “you’ll fall and break a hip” to “we live too far apart” and “it’s too difficult for you to get around.” Despite a less than ideal situation, parents often refuse to listen to reason.
As a physician who deals with these problems daily, I tend to support an older person’s independence, provided the person is not a danger to others. Older adults must have the right to accept risk rather than move to a safer environment. But, in some cases, sacrificing a little independence to accept the help of a caregiver is necessary.
Recently, I met a woman whose husband had severe memory loss, was virtually unable to walk and needed help with every aspect of his life. Providing around-theclock care, she was stressed, had lost weight and was showing signs of deteriorating health. Their children had begged them to move to a more convenient location where they could offer assistance, but the parents refused. After nearly 60 years of marriage, this couple never wanted to depend on anyone, especially their children.
Sadly, this common refrain is part of the Americanpsyche, a never-ending quest for independence hammered into us over the years. So fearful of dependence, many older Americans refuse to let even their closest loved ones offer much-needed help. Not only is health and longevity compromised, but it also deprives everyone of the powerful relationship between an older adult and a caregiver. Though it can be challenging and burdensome to parent and child, accepting care from a concerned loved one is an important and necessary step in the journey to lifelong health.
Currently, more than 50 percent of adults over the age of 85 are dependent and need help to meet daily needs. As America continues to age, Medicare, Social Security, the state or federalgovernment will not have the resources to meet all of the demands of a dependent older population. American families must take up this slack and embrace the challenging role of caregiving. Virtually every spouse orchild will do anything possible to meet the needs of a dependent parent or relative. The responsibility of meeting the needs of dependent older persons falls on the family first.
Parents spend decades providing unconditional love and emotional, moral and financial support to their children. But, in the twilight of life, some parents may find themselves in a new domain - one where roles are reversed and the child must be the one to provide help, love and support.
In this case, parent and child must accept and embrace the changing relationship. Instead of refusing help, older Americans must change their attitude on the role that adult children can play in aparent’s life.
Though the transition from a traditional parent-child relationship can be difficult, you can alleviate the challenge by planning ahead. Sit with your spouse or children and develop a plan should you becomeunable to live alone. Decide where, how and when you will move. Make sure that the whole family is involved in the decision-making process to avoid any misunderstandings. In addition, appoint one person with the power of attorney and the ability to assure that your wishes are met.
For those older people who have no family support, our community, religious organizations and social support networks must assume the role of assuring that their life is of the highest possible quality. Families come in many forms, and all older adults deserve love, attention and support as theynavigate the challenges of aging.
Growing old is not always an easy journey. Sometimes, it requires gut-wrenching decisions. But if we can all remember that family comes first, the path is certainly smoother.
Dr. David Lipschitz is the director of The Longevity Center at St. Vincent Infirmary Medical Center. More information is available at: drdavidhealth.com
High Profile, Pages 39 on 06/20/2010