WHAT’S IN A DAME: Vandalism is food for thought ...

— I can’t get my fill of meaty food rage stories.

Like Chicken McNugget Chick of Florida who called 911 three times when a McDonald’s was out of her favorite fried fowl lumps.

Like Juice Head of Oregon who called to report that he was denied his McDonald’s orange beverage.

Like Bitter Lemon of Florida who called to report that Burger King was out of lemonade.

Like Something Fishy of New Jersey who attacked a McDonald’s employee when his Filet-O-Fish didn’t swim out of the kitchen swiftly enough.

But the “In the news” column on our front page last Tuesday alerted me to one of the juiciest food rage - or at least food revenge - reports ever.

Joy L. Cassidy “faces a misdemeanor charge of malicious injury to property after Boise, Idaho, police say she poured mayonnaise in the Ada County library’s book drop box.”

Not only that. Police think they might finally be playing ketchup with the person who has been smearing mustard and the like on more than 100 library books since 2009.

Cassidy, according to the column, is being investigated for “at least 10 other condiment-related crimes.”

And this seemingly not so overjoyed Joy is plenty old enough not to play with her food. This suspected provisions prankster who apparently relishes ruining books with relishes is hardly some spring chicken.

She’s a seasoned, saucy 74 years old.

Makes one wonder exactly what the condiment bandit could have been reading that inspired such behavior in the first place? The Mayo Clinic Diet: Eat Well, Enjoy Life, Lose Weight?

What would cause a person - who also used corn syrup as a weapon of literary criticism - to engage in such corny, destructive behavior? Being unjustly shhhed by a testy librarian? Engaged in a fight over fees? Or maybe it was all a big mistake and that the perpetrator has been confusing the book drop box for a food drive bin?

Whatever the case, if the reading material you’ve selected ends up being dry, don’t turn to jars and bottles. Try Jackie Collins, Nora Roberts and Danielle Steel.

By all means, hold the mayo.

Get sauced and e-mail: jchristman@arkansasonline.com What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.

Style, Pages 27 on 06/22/2010

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