LITTLE ROCK — WHEN THE weather gets like this, it’s hard to keep your sense of humor. One hundred degrees already? Really? Can the calendar be right? This is June, not August. Most of the tomatoes are still green, dadgummit. These are the days when stubbing your toe on the way to the mailbox can cause a flood of golf words to spew forth from your mouth-which, of course, will be heard by either the neighbor’s three-year-old or the preacher across the street. Probably both. Which is just great. And even more reason to be trigger-finger angry these overheated summer days. Otus the Cat’s famous humidity pods are stacked up like pancakes in the muggy sky.
So any reason to grin is welcome. Here’s one, even if the grin is a little grim:
After the people’s “republic” of North Korea was bounced from the World Cup this week, we went to our second favorite website for fun and entertainment in the fake journalism world. (The first, of course, is The Onion.) This source of comic relief is the site run by the Korean Central News Agency.
Ah, the KCNA. For some strange reason, word of North Korea’s 7-0 loss to Portugal never made it to KCNA. Soccer is a sport in which a 2-0 lead with five minutes to play is called insurmountable by those in the know, but a 7-0 beat-down didn’t quite make the news in Pyongyang.
If the football Hawgs lost to Texas by the equivalent score-of, say, 112-to-zip-then Wally Hall would probably tell the guys dummying the sports section to lead with it. Above the fold-photos, ad-sized heds and everything else.
But there was nothing from the KCNA on the tournament. Not a word.As if the World Cup defeat never happened. Down the memory hole went the evidence without a trace. Ah, but there was this humdinger about Kim Jong Il’s latest literary masterwork:
“Kim Jong Il has steered the Korean people’s struggle to victory, clearly illuminating the road ahead of the times and the revolution through his tireless ideo-theoretical activities. And with his Songun politics based on the theory of ideology he has realized the armypeople unity in ideology and work-style, thus further increasing the might of the revolutionary ranks. This is a vivid expression of the wise leadership of Kim Jong Il who has guided the socialist cause by dint of ideology.”
Oooh-wee! We don’t care who you are, that’s pretty funny right there.These folks could make editorial writers on some of this country’s bigger and more soporific editorial pages. These Stakhanovites of deadly dull prose would meet their production quota and fulfill it by 130 percent. Just one of their paragraphs would put a whole army to sleep, much like any Tuesday’s lede editorial in the New York (Yawn) Times. You reckon something was lost in translation? Nah, it was probably never there. Also, what is Songun? Is it anything like Newspeak or Sovjournalism?
There’s not much news to laugh about these days, especially when the subject is North Korea, so we really appreciate the prolefeed dished out by the esteemed Korean Central News Agency. These people always come through in a pinch. Here’s looking forward to the next press release on Kim Jong Il’s golf prowess. Could he beat his 18-hole record of minus-38? We await with coffee breath.
If your Stalinesque master routinelyaces every 3-par, and his covey of bodyguards swears he holes out every 5-par for double eagles, then it’s safe to assume he takes sports seriously. Deadly seriously.
Which may not bode well for the North Korean soccer team. For them, the fun has stopped.
BEFORE the World Cup, the North Korean coach, Kim Jong Hun, told the world: “Perhaps there is no other team in the world who would be fighting with the same dedication to please the leader and to bring fame to their motherland.”
We’d agree, if you define dedication as throat-clutching fear. After all, the match with Portugal was broadcast live on television in North Korea. Which doesn’t sound like a big deal until you realize that a live feed of a sports event from outside North Korea was unprecedented for that hermit country.The authorities in Pyongyang like to control the media, to say the least. And with a live broadcast, you never know if some commentator is going to mention the millions of starving people throughout the countryside in Dear Leader’s paradise, or if some cameraman might accidentally focus on a protester inside the stadium who has a sign with less than complimentary things to say about the sainted Kim Jong Il. But the regime was so proud of its soccer team’s making the World Cup competition that it decided this called for unprecedented action. Like a live broadcast.
Portugal 7, North Korea 0.
Imagine the toe-curling uneasiness of those authorities-probably former authorites by now-who made the decision to go with the live feed. Poor saps. Let’s hope they somehow make it across the border with their heads still atop their shoulders. Compared to what’s in store for them, the PR adviser who decided it would be just dandy to have Rolling Stone conduct an in-depth interview with General Stanley McChrystal and his loose-lipped aides is on holiday.
Some Westerners are now speculating what the future holds for Coach Kim and his players. A dispatch from the Associated Press speculates that poor play overseas means severe punishment at home for North Korean soccer players. Their next tour may be in North Korea’s coal mines. Or as the gladiators used to say in the Coliseum when entertaining some mad emperor, “We who are about to die salute you.”
Coach Kim, bless his fast-beating heart, put on the best face he could in public, dismissing the talk of an angry Kim Jong Il taking it out on him or his players: “Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose; it doesn’t always turn out the way you want. But there aregoing to be no further consequences.” Good for him. That’s just the kind of whistling you need to hear when you pass a whole row of graveyards.
Our heartfelt good wishes to the coach and his players. Here’s hoping he’s right. But we’ll send our thoughts and prayers to him anyway. Anybody who’s watched this regime over the years may not share his blithe optimism. You have to wonder if even he does, inside.
Editorial, Pages 18 on 06/26/2010