LITTLE ROCK — Everyone else was giving a young friend of ours free advice, so I thought I’d offer mine. Since she’s at a turning point in her life and is facing a host of decisions, I volunteered my universal three rules for everything and everyone.
Rule No. 1: Have high expectations. Don’t settle.
If you expect to be treated with respect and courtesy in an adult relationship one of two things will happen. Either you will be treated that way, or you won’t be and you’ll have a decision to make.
If your partner consistently falls below your expectations, move to rule No. 2 (see next week’s column). Never tolerate any kind of abuse. Do consider giving someone a second chance when it seems deserved because the truth is, people do change - if they want to.
What makes people want to change is realizing that on some level, change is in their best interest. This isn’t selfishness, this is human nature. Ideally, partners bring out the best in each other. In addition to sharing comfort and joy, each encourages the other to grow and achieve his potential. Within this kind of adult relationship, each feels empowered to be a better person, thekind of person we all secretly aspire to be.
The same is true of children. Parents often ask me about issues like sibling rivalry, rudeness, selfishness, materialism, etc., and my answer is always the same. Your children will rise to whatever level you expect of and model for them. So be the parent, and expect them to behave well.Then, show them how.
As a single mom with limited time, resources and patience, I couldn’t come home to arguing, fussy kids. To balance out tense, busy days and to enjoy what little family time we had, I needed our home to be a happy one. One day when they were about 4 and 7 and were acting up in the back seat, I lost it. I pulled the car off the road and turned around.
“Look at each other,” I demanded. “You are each other’s best friends. It may not feelthat way right now, but God made you sister and brother so it has to be true. Here’s what that means. That means this family is a team. We’re Team Hansen. We stick together, we care about each other and we get along.”
That moment didn’t solve everything, but it marked the first time I articulated our family ethic in a way they could understand and remember. To my surprise, they did remember it. The Team Hansen thing worked for the ages theywere then and for a long time after that. No, it wasn’t the only time I had to intervene, but it summed up my expectations so well that something changed.
What kept the momentum of that moment going was that I’d previously been consistent in my expectations and I stayed that way. For the most part, I modeled for them the values, cooperation and courtesy I expected from them. In doing so, I set a standard they could rise to. This doesn’tmean I never lost my temper, yelled, or that I always made time for them. It means that I had a good idea of what I was supposed to do, and for the most part, I did it.
For the record, children don’t enjoy squabbling. They don’t like being bored, being treated like they’re incompetent, being ignored, or being overscheduled. Children want to be challenged and they want to be with you. As a parent, your job is to set and enforce high expectations,challenge them appropriately, and keep an eye on their emotional well-being so you can intervene when they’re confronted with issues they’re not equipped to handle. This is as true when they’re 4 as it is when they’re 20.
Next week: Speak up. How not to be a doormat.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, Ark. 72765. Email her at
Family, Pages 31 on 06/30/2010