THREE RIVERS AREA — Cherished holiday traditions are carried down through generations. However, when someone who has been a key part of those traditions is no longer there, that person’s absence can create sadness.
The death of a loved one, getting a divorce or even relocating changes everything, and many times, grief is more intense during the holidays. That grief may also lead to depression in some, and coping with that depression becomes more difficult during the holiday season. Not all people have that “Norman Rockwell” Christmas, or maybe they once did and now, after losing a loved one, things have changed.
When there are changes in one’s life, grief is a way of coping with the “new normal,” said Dr. Herman R. Clements II of Clements Wellness Center in Searcy.
“The brain is trying to do something it has never done before,” Clements said. “Learn to accept the loss, and don’t be in denial.”
Clements suggests being around people who will allow you to grieve and adjust to living without that person.
“Grief is a part of life, and our brains are geared to handle a certain amount of grief,” Clements said.
Although our brains are geared to deal with grief, Clements said, there is about a two-month window after which the grieving person should be able to go about daily life. It may be painful, he said, but one should be getting back to daily life and having positive experiences.”
How does one cope with that empty chair at the Thanksgiving table? Is there too much pressure to be cheerful and joyous during holiday events?
Clements said that many times, people have traditions that remind them of loved ones, and they try to avoid those traditions and feel guilty for having new experiences with new people.
“One of the best ways to cope with grief is to acknowledge the loss, but do your best to keep engaged in structured activities,” said Tami Barber, Ph.D., a psychologist in the Batesville office of Health Resources of Arkansas. “It is fine to not join in all the holiday festivities, but keeping yourself busy with tasks and continuing to interact with others can be helpful.”
Another strategy Barber recommended is to utilize friends and family to talk about feelings and recount positive memories of the person who is missed.
“They are absence in body but continue to live on in memories,” Barber said. “If you have specific traditions that are too painful to continue, particularly if a loss was recent, you may want to do something different. For example, if you cannot tolerate hosting a family meal during this time, you could volunteer at a homeless shelter or community program that helps people who do not have resources themselves. Taking focus off your own loss and directing efforts toward others helps someone to not dwell on their own situation as much, as well as experience a sense of well-being from helping others. Finally, exercise during this time can help diffuse additional stress and provide a natural ‘antidepressant’ effect.”
Holidays may also be difficult for those who experience loss other than death. Having a spouse, parent or child in the military; a child who has gone off to college or gotten married; or a divorce or job loss may also cause grief.
“When you have a loved one who is not there, make sure you spend some time with that person (via phone or e-mail),” Clements said. “Allow your heart to be with that person at that time; then allow yourself to continue to live.”
There are normal and healthy ways to deal with grief, but Clements said if the grieving person hasn’t returned to a relatively normal life after two months, the survivor’s guilt is intolerable or the grief interferes with the ability to function, then he or she should seek professional help.
Seeking out someone who has been through the experience and can be a positive influence is helpful. Not allowing the grieving person to get stuck in a certain phase of the grieving process and offering positive affirmation are key, Clements added.
“It is normal to feel sad regarding a loss; however, if these symptoms are progressing to the degree that the depression is threatening your well-being, you may need additional support or treatment, such as through a professional counselor,” Barber said. “Symptoms of which to be aware are thoughts of self-harm, no motivation and/or desire to continue living, significant changes in sleep or appetite, feelings of hopelessness, engaging in increased use of alcohol or other mood-altering drugs.”
Barber added that the best response is to be available for the grieving person and communicate that he or she is not expected to be “happy and jolly,” but communicate ongoing care and support.
“Rather than attempting [to get] the grieving person to participate in ‘party-type’ activities, you may initiate other avenues of social contact not centered around a holiday theme, such as going to a movie or meeting for coffee,” Barber said. “Also, let the person talk about the loss and memories of the person. Some folks feel uncomfortable when a grieving person begins to discuss the person lost, but that may be just what they need to do. If the person’s loss has left them without anyone to spend the holidays with, offer to include them in your plans. Even if they don’t want to join in on a Christmas family function, they may still enjoy a call or visit during this time to let them know that they are remembered.”