TRI-LAKES AREA — The upcoming holidays can become a season of pain for those who recently lost a loved one.
How does a person deal with that empty chair at the Thanksgiving table? Is there pressure to be cheerful, and is there guilt if celebrations bring enjoyment?
Services and support groups are available for those having a tough time joining in regular holiday events while grieving over the death of a spouse, parent or child, or a divorce; or feeling alone when loved ones are far away.
“The unreasonable expectations of a perfect holiday are a huge thing to someone in grief over a loss,” said Dr. Rebecca Schlau, a clinical psychologist at the St. Joseph’s Mercy Family Practice Clinic in Hot Springs. “During the holidays, we have nostalgic reflections of childhood, when we opened toys and there was no school, and we didn’t see the other side with cooking and pageants, and it is a lot of pressure.”
The time can be especially hard for grieving parents trying to make the holidays meaningful for their families, said Gail Lavender, who lost a daughter nine years ago.
“Holidays are a magical time of year, but you don’t feel the magic,” she said.
Lavender runs a grief support group at First United Methodist Church in Benton, where she and her husband try to help others “though the long, dark tunnel of grief.”
One of the first major steps in getting through the season is to acknowledge the feeling of loss and not try to meet the “normal” expectations of the happy holidays, said Sister Elizabeth Koehler, a pastoral counselor at St. Joseph’s Mercy Health Center in Hot Springs and a member of the Religious Sisters of Mercy.
“The most practical way to deal with things is, don’t expect to feel the same,” she said. “Traditions are meant to serve us, and we don’t have to be a slave to them.”
All three of the women suggest finding new things to do for the holidays and making new traditions.
“Create new memories with the loved ones that remain,” Schlau said. “All happiness does not have to end.”
Koehler said that after her father died, the children took up cooking the holiday feast, with their mother helping.
“Mom did not have to do it all,” she said, and the entire family had a new activity that they shared.
“Get out of the things you think you have to do and all the commercial stuff related to holidays,” Lavender said.
Following the death of her daughter, Lavender said, she did not want to decorate her home, but one evening she found her husband had put up the outside lights.
“So we began to appreciate the beauty of Christmas,” she said.
Moving on to new ways of enjoying the holidays does not mean the missing member of the family is forgotten.
“Try to remember the loved on in some way,” Koehler said. “One way is to write down the gifts their life brought to you and your family and stuff those gifts in stockings to be shared on Christmas Day.”
The sister also suggested that during Thanksgiving dinner, family members could take turns telling funny stories about the loved one.
Lavender suggested lighting a candle in honor of the missing loved one during the family holiday celebration.
“Honor the loved one during the season,” Schlau suggested. “If they were a dog lover, volunteer to work a day in a pet shelter or cook their favorite dish. Then the missing person is part of the holiday.”
While not making grief and the sense of loss a focal point of the holiday, it is good to face the issue personally and with family and friends, Koehler said.
“First accept the reality that the loved one is deceased or is no longer there,” she said.
Schlau said family and friends might think they should avoid any mention of the loss, thinking it might spoil your holiday or that you might react in a way that will make things uncomfortable. This only places the “elephant in the room,” with an issue that is always there but unmentioned.
The Hot Springs psychologist said the one way to cope with the issue is to bring it up and ask others to lend their support.
“Open with what would make you feel better,” she said.
Schlau also said not to be upset if tears come.
“Crying is OK,” she said. “Being sad is part of the process.”
However, both Schlau and Koehler said grief can become self-destructive, and that is when intervention by a mental-health professional might be needed.
“It is a problem if it compromises your own ability to care for yourself,” Schlau said. “If after a month or so you are unable to get yourself up, take a bath and go to work, if you are not eating or not sleeping or sleeping too much, it is time for help.”
Often people experiencing intense grief will say they feel “like they are going crazy,” Schlau said.
“If it is hard to manage their own lives, it is time to reach out for support,” she said.
This month, Schlau spoke about grief during the holidays to a group in Hot Springs Village. She is a member of the staff at the St. Joseph Mercy Clinic for Family Practice at the medical center in Hot Springs. Her practice can be reached at (501) 622-6500.
Lavender held a seminar, “Surviving the Holidays,” at the First United Methodist Church in Benton on Nov. 18. She and her husband also offer GriefShare, a 13-week series of counseling and support for the community, twice a year. For more information on GriefShare, call the church as (501) 778-3601.
Koehler held a seminar to help people plan for the holidays during a time of grief, also on Nov. 18, at the Mercy Cancer Center in Hot Springs. She visits patients and families who have had a loss at St. Joseph’s Mercy and also provides support at the hospital’s cancer clinics.
Lavender said she read some advice that helped her move on with her loss, and she shares it with others.
“Little by little as we grieve for a lost loved one, we must begin to remember not that they died, but that they lived,” she said.