LITTLE ROCK — Whatever the hot toy is this year, you can rest assured it is not a Sixfinger. That was the must-have item when I was a little boy. It was a devilishly clever plastic index finger that was actually a gun. It fired hard plastic objects and exploding projectiles.
You were supposed to shoot these off in the safety of a vacant lot. But it was even more satisfying to point your Sixfinger at the small of your little brother’s back and squeeze off a round, just as he ran off to tell mom and dad you’d pinged Mrs. Molaitis’ basement window.
Every kid wanted a Sixfinger. Yes, they were dangerous. But no one was ever trampled to death trying to get one.
Last year’s hot toy was Zhu Zhu Pets hamsters. The lovable plastic robotic rodents had names like Pipsqueak, Chunk, Mr. Squiggles and Num Nums. These idiotic toys generated more than $300 million last December.
But the Zhu Zhu craze is no more. Countless of the electronic vermin have been reported gathering dust in the remainder bins at big-box stores.
But don’t be sad for Zhu Zhu. There’s always a new must-have toy taking the place of last year’s model. This year, it’s a Zooble.
Zoobles are also cheap plastic creatures made by docile factory workers happy to have jobs. But Zoobles live in a wondrous land called Petagonia.
“Full of laughter, surprises, bouncing and trouncing, Petagonia is home to everyone’s favorite Zoobles pets,” says the website.
Each tiny Zooble has its own personal “Happitat.” Kids can earn credits, called “zoints,” if they go online and register their Zooble with the parent company.
Is it just me, or don’t you feel like wading into a Happitat with your Sixfinger and blowing all the Zoobles to kingdom come?
OK, it’s probably just me. But still.
What really would have wreaked havoc in Petagonia was a Johnny 7 One Man Army.
When I was a boy, a Johnny 7 O.M.A. was the weapon of choice. It wasn’t some tiny plastic finger. It was a massive toy gun, so large it required its own tripod for stability, since there were seven shootable weapons in one.
The bunker buster, the grenade launcher, the antitank missile each were capable of busting a few teeth. It shot plastic bullets too.
Yes, in the days before virtual toys, Americans had playthings called “real” toys. We had toy guns, even cap guns, and we played with swords, chemistry sets, wood burning kits, just about anything you could blind yourself with.
In the non-weaponized toy category, there were Creepy Crawlers. These were quite educational. You filled metal plates with goop from a tube, plugged it all into the electric socket until the plates became red hot. A couple second degree burns later, and presto, you had rubber insects to play with.
They didn’t do anything. But you could shoot them with your Sixfinger.
John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.
Editorial, Pages 14 on 11/30/2010