HEART & SOUL: Resilient friendship is pleasant surprise

— Five years ago, I slowed my life way down and pulled back from activities and the friendships that came with them. At first, this was part of coping with the end of a marriage. I didn’t feel social, didn’t want company and didn’t want to be company.

When the economy tanked, my introversion was compounded by the realityof raising two teens of my own, parenting another teen who lived with us, working more than one job, and generally trying to keep it all together. When your children are becoming independent, your social life takes a back seat to theirs as you hover, chaperone, and chauffeur.

This arrangement worked well for me. I was content at home. My quiet Friday and Saturday nights were comfortable. There was time to putter around the house, do projects and hobbies, watch some TV. Then I started dating Marc. Finding time to be with him while still parenting the way I wanted was a challenge, especially during our first year. I felt like I was always juggling responsibilities and never meeting everyone’s needs.

Today, with one child out of the country and the other driving himself everywhere, there are no car pool or chauffeuring expectations. Marc and I still hover, but we have time tocatch a movie. I even have time for the occasional dinner with friends. After five years of stepping away from friendships, I’m easing back into a life with time to connect.

At first, there’s that awkward, “Um, hi. It’s me. Want to ... go to lunch?” part of the conversation. Each time I brace myself for a cold response, expecting them to be distant. Instead, the response has been warm and kind. More than one woman has said, “I wondered when you’d be ready to get out there again,” or something like that. It’s as if - surprise, surprise - they’d been there and understood. And in some way or another, most of them have.

The willingness of my friends to reconnect as if we’d seen each other last month amazes me. Am I this forbearing? Would I be so understanding? I hope so. The way women reconnect without judgment or resentment is another lesson in the bigness of our human spirit. Close friends as well as acquaintances have shown up for me in my new business, helped me sort through the emotions of my daughter leaving for a year, and rejoiced with me in my relationship with Marc.

There’s a saying that men need women and women need girlfriends. It’s not quitethat simple, but ... women are natural social connectors. We build and nurture relationships that surround our family and tie us to our communities. That’s why I felt so uneasy as I reached out to women I hadn’t seen in a long time. For several years, I stopped being the connector and went into hibernation.

When the topic has come up, more than one friend has shared a similar story of withdrawal, shutting down or evenmoving away for a while. The lesson I take from all this is to pass it forward. If someone disappears for awhile, here’s hoping I won’t take it personally. Life happens, and we each respond to the best of our ability. Not too long ago, I avoided answering the phone regardless of who called. I just wanted to rebuild my quiet life by myself, tend to my children, and figure out what the next years would hold.

Friendships don’t wither aseasily as I thought. If the tables are ever turned, I hope I’ll tell myself that maybe the friend who has retreated for a while simply needs some space. If I reach out and she doesn’t respond, maybe it’s because she’s sorting through the same things I did.

Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, Ark. 72765. Email her at

jhansen@arkansasonline.com

Family, Pages 31 on 09/22/2010

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