LITTLE ROCK — WHY, OH, WHY do we have to bring you bad news so often, Mr. and Mrs. Valued Subscriber?
It would be so much more pleasurable to talk baseball each morning, or perhaps gardening in Arkansas this time of year.
But it seems we’re too often the bearer of bad news. Today, for good/ bad example.
This morning we give you this, so please try to keep your coffee (and blood pressure) down:
One of our neighbors from Oklahoma, U.S. Senator Tom Coburn, has issued a report that accuses the taxpayer sponsored National Science Foundation of wasting money. Your money. And in ways that’ll make you slap your forehead. (Before you read on, it might be a good idea to put down the coffee cup.)
Dr. Coburn’s report is called “Under the Microscope.” We have to thank him and his staff for shining the light on all this nonsense, even if it does hamper digestion.
No doubt this National Science Foundation provides some valuable research, as Dr. Coburn points out in the report. But today all that is overshadowed by the questionable projects the NSF has funded. For example, according to the report:
-Your money was used to find out if playing FarmVille on Facebook helps folks make friends. Cost: $314,863.
-Your money was used to research how fast American parents respond to trendy baby names. The conclusion: Popular names for babies are popular. Cost: A cool million bucks.
-Your money was used to find out why the same teams tend to dominate March Madness. Cost: $79,998.
-Your money was used to find out if Twitter users tweet in slang, whether it’s best to buy tickets to sporting events in advance or at the gate, and how rumors get started.
And, our very favorite . . .
-Your money was used to find out how long shrimps can run on a treadmill.
Let us ’splain:
“Researchers” at the Grice Marine Laboratory in South Carolina have received a dozen National Science Foundation grants over the years, adding up to about $3 million, including a $559,681 award to study, ahem, “Impaired Metabolism and Performance in Crustaceans Exposed to Bacteria.”
The humans involved put the poor shrimp on a treadmill to see if healthy ones could run faster and longer than sick ones. Surprise! They could.
The lead investigator says they are planning treadmills for lobsters. Blue crabs, too. There’s no joke there. That’s what the man said, according to Sen./ Dr. Corburn’s report.
No, really.
What’s that Mark Twain said about never trying to teach a horse to talk? That it wastes your time and annoys the horse? Imagine how annoyed thoseshrimp in South Carolina must’ve been.
Here’s an idea: Melt a heap o’ butter in a skillet, add several tablespoons of flour and stir till golden brown. Add chopped onions, celery and bell pepper (what they call The Trinity in Louisiana). Then add the shrimp. It’s called ettouffee. Serve over rice and save a hunk of taxpayer money on miniature treadmills.
BESIDES the crazy grants and even crazier research projects, the report mentions other ways the NSF has discovered to waste your money. The NSF spends $16 million every year to book 23,000 flights to conferences and such. But that scarcely covers the intensive research by employees at the NSF. Investigative reporters found that many of the employees spent their workdays viewing porn online. One “senior executive” who was caught defended himself saying the women he was viewing were “from poor countries and need to make money to help their parents and this site helps them do that.” One bit of good news here: He’s no longer with the National Science Foundation.
Your money has also been used to buy alcohol, extend trips for sexual liaisons, and pay for parties that included jello-wrestling.
The report says that NSF’s headquarters in Arlington, Va., costs taxpayers $26 million each year in rent. The agency is looking to upgrade.
Also-and Arkies will understand this-the agency owns 375 vehicles, including more than 50 SUVs. Not exactly as many as Arkansas’ state government, but that’s still a lot of gas.
Each year, you, we, us, spend a grand total of $6.9 billion to fund the NSF.
The president’s budget for this year would increase the agency’s budget. By a billion dollars. Small change, no doubt, for the feds. They’ve got the money to burn-ours.
It makes you wonder: Can it be that We the People need more shrimp treadmills that badly?
The report by Sen./Dr. Coburn and his people was quick to point out all the good that NSF has been responsible for. Indeed, they mentioned that matter first in the report. The National Science Foundation has been active in helping establish the internet, putting those bar codes on grocery items, and improving magnetic resonance imaging that helps find tumors. Good for NSF.
But all that makes the report doubly troubling. Imagine all the good research that may go unfunded while NSF goes for 23,000 flights to conferences, spends money on FarmVille research projects, and sets aside cash for shrimp treadmills.
There needs to be a shake-up at this outfit’s headquarters. If folks there are surfing porn, extending trips to hook up with lovers and funding all these nutty experiments-all at your expense-there’s a whole culture there that needs changing.
Before it breaks us all.
Editorial, Pages 10 on 05/31/2011