LITTLE ROCK — DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: Something’s really bugging me. Every year, my son and his wife wrap the Christmas gifts for each of their five children in a different wrapping paper to make it easy for the kids to tell who gets what on Christmas morning. They also take the already wrapped presents I send for the children and rewrap them in whatever that year’s papers are. The thing is, they never include my gift tags when they do this, so my grandchildren don’t know that the gifts came from me. Am I being petty to be annoyed by this?
- Nancy
DEAR NANCY: If all you are is annoyed, you’re showing real restraint.
While they may only be trying to make Christmas less chaotic, what your son and his wife in fact are doing is appropriating your gifts. They also are depriving their children of the pleasure of knowing their grandmother was thinking of them, and depriving you of the pleasure of knowing your gifts were appreciated. (You don’t mention thank-you notes, and wecan guess why.) Don’t let it happen again. Ask these folks - nicely, of course - not to rewrap your Christmas gifts, and explain why. And if they fail to comply? Next year hold your gifts until after Christmas, when there will be no question as to who sent them.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: Last summer my sister-in-law and her family visited us for a week. They stayed in our home, ate our food and accepted our invitations to several nice meals out. But they never reciprocated in any way. Their last day, we took all of them to a big fair.After we bought everyone’s admission tickets, I heard my sister-in-law tell the ticket seller that she wanted to buy ride wristbands for her children. So I reminded her that we’d been paying for things all week and asked her to buy wristbands for our kids, too(I admit it, I was annoyed). “Crystal” bought the wristbands, but got angry because she claimed I’d made her and her husband seem like mooches. Was I wrong to ask? It’s been more than three months, and Crystal’s still mad.
- T.C.
DEAR T.C.: You shouldn’t have had to ask.
Your sister-in-law and her husband were remiss in not having found ways to show their appreciation for your hospitality. Since they didn’t, there was nothing wrong with asking them to include your kids in the wristband purchase. What you shouldn’t have done, though, was remind them of your generosity, because that made it sound like you expected aquid pro quo. Instead, you simply should have smiled and said, “Hey, could you get a couple of those wristbands for our kids, too?” Then Crystal would have had nothing to complain about.
DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: To minimize taxes, my father wants to establish a partnership in which my siblings and I would be partners after he dies. To me, this is asking fortrouble. My siblings and I get along just fine now, but I have seen family partnerships lead to bad feelings, as well as to financial distress for at least some of the partners. How can I make my father abandon this bad idea?
- E.J.
DEAR E.J.: Slow down, beneficiary, it’s not your call.
Look, family partnerships can and sometimes do lead to acrimony, and you’re not wrong to be concerned. But there’s something you’ve forgotten: It’s your father’s money. So by all means point out the problems you see with his plan and suggest approaches that you think are better. If he persists, you’re always free not to participate in the partnership - and, of course, the inheritance that comes with it. But lighten up on your dad. Who else is going out of his way to leave you as much of his money as possible?
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at
Family, Pages 25 on 12/26/2012