It may be too late for Worst Cooks Boot Camp

LITTLE ROCK — I think I’ve found a reality TV show I can win.

It’s called Worst Cooks in America. I don’t have to be able to sing, dance, sew or lie in a box with cockroaches crawling on me.

I have to do what I can’t do - cook.

My husband and I got hooked on Top Chef a couple of seasons ago, which I enjoyed because it’s so amazing to me that people can create these culinary masterpieces.

Somehow, though, I missed Worst Cooks in America. I found it while looking for a Food Network show that I was including in a feature story I was writing.

My jaw dropped when I saw that the winner gets $25,000.

Apparently, the show is looking for contestants. On the Food Network’s website, it says:

“Are you - or someone you know - a complete disaster in the kitchen? Tell us about the Worst Cook in your life.”

I clicked on the button on how to apply and found this:

1. You can nominate yourself or someone else in your life.

OK, that would be me.

1. Tell us a little about the person you are nominating: their age, what they do, what’s their personality, and why are they great for the show?

I’m 48. I write for a newspaper. I’m a type-A, talkative, neurotic, unorganized mess. I’d be great for the show because I have a Southern accent, and every show needs at least one of us. I have a tendency to think before I speak, which makes good TV, and I’m reeeally competitive.

1. Why does this person need to be sent to Worst Cooks Boot Camp?

Because she needs to win $25,000 to pay for, you’ll find this ironic, a kitchen remodel! I’m looking at replacing my huntergreen laminate countertops, plaid curtains and old kitchen table. I don’t cook, but my husband is a really good cook, and I like to eat.

1. What are some of this person’s worst, funniest or scariest cooking disasters?

Oh, where to begin. The first meal I remember making was tuna fish (some people call it tuna salad) for my parents when I was in elementary school.

I didn’t know to drain off theoil, and it was a gross mess.

Back when I was first married, almost 25 years ago, I tried to cook. I made my husband a sandwich (OK, technically not cooking), and he chewed and chewed and had a strange look on his face.

Instead of lettuce, I used cabbage.

I once ruined cookies from an Add-Water-Only mix.

I took the direction “mix by hand” literally.

I left the sugar out of a pumpkin pie once.

I pretty much have given up everything except making tea.

Wait, do you actually have to be able to cook to be the Worst Cook?

I’m afraid there may be a flaw in my plan.

Senior writer Tammy Keith can be reached at (501) 327-0370 or tkeith@arkansasonline.com.