LITTLE ROCK — I have a new personal assistant.
She’s prompt. She’s professional. She’s polite.
She treats me with the respect I demand, I mean deserve.
If she does not comprehend a task I assign her, she’ll respond with an atonally apologetic “Sorry, Divalicious, I didn’t get that.”
She’s Siri, the voice-controlled caretaker inside my new iPhone 4S. Inside Divalicious’ new iPhone, that is. You get to tell Siri what to call you.
Writer Bobby Ampezzan devoted a story to Siri back in November (“Doubtless the lonely, lovesick male programmers in Cupertino, Calif., who created Siri figured out what the rest of us lovesick men would do with her the moment we got her alone. We’d ask her if she would love us, of course. Then, we would ask her again. “Siri, I love you.” “Oh, stop,” she teases.)
Now, I have a different kind of rapport with her. I keep it strictly business (at least since the time I asked her if my outfit made me look fat, which she avoided answering by suggesting we do a Web search on the subject). All I have to do is press a button, speak a request or question, and she’ll handle it.
Sort of.
“Siri, will you write my column for me?”
“I suppose it’s possible.”
Not another word from Siri on the subject as deadline looms. So you’re stuck with me for the next 8 inches.
While in west Little Rock recently, I asked her: “Where is the nearest post office?”
“OK, one of these post offices isn’t far from you,” she said, producing one 3 miles away.
Close. But it was 3 miles in the opposite direction, so I asked again.
She again informed me of the one 3 miles away. And then bypassed the plethora of metro office branches to offer me a second option - a whopping 26 miles away in Conway.
The other day I asked her to play some music, requesting “Britney Spears.”
She told me she didn’t understand “niece beers.”
I articulated more carefully. She, still thinking I wanted brewskis, suggested 15 nearby bars - only a few of which were actually nearby.
Not a bad idea. I did need a drink after putting up with this nonsense.
It appears I’m not the only one having problems with Siri.
Earlier this month, disgruntled customer Frank M. Fazio, who lives in New York, filed a lawsuit in the U.S. District Court in San Jose, Calif., claiming, among other things,that the voice assistant feature doesn’t work as promoted.
According to the suit: “[I]n many of Apple’s television advertisements, individuals are shown using Siri to make appointments, find restaurants, and even learn the guitar chords to classic rock songs or how to tie a tie. In the commercials, all of these tasks are done with ease with the assistance of the iPhone 4S’ Siri feature, a represented functionality contrary to the actual operating results and performance of Siri.”
I asked her for thoughts on this pending litigation.
“I don’t know what you mean by ‘What to think about the lawsuit against me.’”
Siriously.
E-mail Divalicious:
What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.
Style, Pages 27 on 03/27/2012