LITTLE ROCK — The burnout sneaked up on me. After years of writing about how to balance our lives, I should have spotted the severe imbalance in mine. Then one day I stared at the computer for way too long, and still had no clue where to begin or what to do. It was time for a vacation.
Fortunately, my vacation was imminent. Unfortunately, there was a long list of home and life tasks weighing heavily on me. What I needed wasn’t a getaway vacation, but a mixture of work and play; time to feel off duty but still get enough done so I could return to the office rested, lighter and with fewer distractions.
The list of chores included tasks like fixing the lawn mower and finishing my taxes. There were some happy options, like puttering in my yard, having lunch with my daughter and finishing a good book. Marc and I might even look at a few houses. It could happen, I told myself. I could design a working vacation that felt good and accomplished a ton. But I’d have to really watch my time, energy and mood. I’d have to guard every working minute to end up with any R&R.
And that’s when the call came. We all have people in our lives we’d like desperately to help. After years of giving of myself, I’m picky about my commitments. I’ll give almost anyone a chance, but if it’s not clear early on that they’re sincere and ready to move forward in their life, I do not commit my resources. There are so many people to help; I want to help where it makes a difference.
The friend who called that day is an old friend and I’ve been her sounding board for years. She always calls to vent, usually when she’s in crisis, and the rare times she asks for advice she doesn’t follow up on it. This call caught me right in the middle of an attempt to clear enough work off my list to have some time for fun, and my intensity surprised both of us. When she asked if I had a minute, I answered without hesitation.
“Yes, but based on past experience when you call me like this you really just want to vent. If I give you suggestions or advice, you get defensive. So, this time, let’s be clear about what you want and what I can give. Option one, I can give you 10 minutes to vent if that will help you get past this current situation and get on with what you need to do. Option two, I can help you problem-solve if you’re looking for solutions and strategies. Whether you pursue them or not is your business, you just can’t get defensive.”
To her credit, she admitted (a little petulantly) that she wasn’t calling to problem-solve but just wanted a friend to talk to. Since none of this was her fault and nothing could change, she probably would get defensive if I gave her suggestions, so she’d take option one. “OK, fine,” I replied. “Tell me what’s going on.” She talked for seven minutes. I listened and commiserated. Three minutes past my 10-minute limit, we hung up.
For the next half hour, I fought the urge to text or call her back. Twenty years into our relationship, I knew she’d neither take nor appreciate my advice. If I was going to achieve my goal of completing tasks so I could enjoy some time off, I had to keep my focus on my own problems.
Sure enough, I haven’t heard from my friend sincethat call, but I will. At some point, she’ll need an ear and we’ll repeat the scenario. But next time, maybe my honesty about reducing our expectations will shift the balance in ways that help her grow. If not, we’ll still be friends; we’ll just have a more honest friendship.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale, Ark. 72765. Email her at:
Family, Pages 36 on 03/28/2012