In a recent Rolling Stone interview, director Ridley Scott (Alien, Blade Runner and other legendary films, as well as the upcoming Prometheus) says about the cinematic craft: “Remember, it’s not a science class — it’s a movie.”
That’s true of most movies, I suppose. And after viewing Battleship, I admit: Battleship is not a science class. It’s not a history class or a physics class or even a drama class for that matter. I’m not even sure if what I witnessed qualifies as a movie. What Battleship is, is a class titled Moviemaking with Michael Bay 101.
BAM! BOOM! KABLAM! And BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! again for good measure is what director Peter Berg delivers with this tale of Transformers at sea. Strike that, let’s call it Evil Transformers vs. the Navy. Or maybe Evil Transformers Invade Pearl Harbor — not the U.S. Navy base, but that Bay gut punch against history of a movie. At least those titles are witty and original — two elements Berg’s KABLAM-fest lacks.
What else does Battleship lack? Besides a reason for existing? A lot. Battleship is so paralyzingly stupid that viewing it made me wish I were knowledgeable in the art of self-lobotomy.
Okay, that’s enough venom. Battleship is, after all, a summer blockbuster movie based on a board game. You want to know if you should see Battleship? I can’t stress this enough: The answer to that question really depends on whether you enjoyed all three Transformers movies. If you don’t mind clunky dialogue, plot holes, illogical moviemaking and stiff acting as long as there are huge explosions, plenty of loud action and eyeball-dazzling visual effects, then by all means, go see Battleship. It delivers in all three areas.
So what happens in Berg’s science fiction/action/thriller/war film? Besides a lot of explosions? Well, alien spaceships land in the Pacific Ocean, apparently upset that earth contacted their home planet with some type of universe-traveling signal. The U.S. Navy — already on patrol in the area due to an international maritime exercise — is sent to investigate along with a Japanese vessel. (The inclusion of Japan is as international as the international war games get, apparently.) Then things start blowing up real good and loud because these aliens are mad. Why? Who cares? The aliens are angry and possess U.S. Navy-whipping technology until the movie doesn’t need technologically advanced alien muscle because the good guys have to win.
Taylor Kitsch leads the human counterattack with help from Rihanna and Kitsch’s former Friday Night Lights TV show co-star Jesse Plemons. Oh, there are other people in the movie — Liam Neeson plays an admiral, Alexander Skarsgård plays a dead brother, Brooklyn Decker plays a hot girlfriend. And Kitsch is a slacker who turns hero by movie’s end. But with humanity nearing its swan song, the World War II battleship, the USS Missouri, arrives and saves the day. Of course, the Missouri has been mothballed for a couple of decades, but that’s nothing an AC/DC montage can’t cure with a little help from Navy retirees who are already present ... for some reason or another.
There’s a reason Battleship only made $25 million last weekend. (It cost $209 million to make, but has already made $200 million playing overseas.) Movie audiences are perhaps smarter than Hollywood assumes. They knew Battleship was a shipwreck. But it’s more than that: Battleship is a brutally idiotic movie. It’s really just too much — even for a summer blockbuster where we expect big explosions and logic to be suspended.