LITTLE ROCK — QMy partner of five months has never had children. I have an 8-year-old daughter. At first my daughter and my partner were interacting wonderfully, but that is not the case now.
He has started to discipline her and it is driving a wedge between them. He now seems heavy handed and doesn’t discipline out of love, but out of control. I want this relationship to continue and work, but I don’t know how to broach the issue without making him feel like he has done something wrong.
ATo be blunt, he is doing something wrong - and so are you by not telling him he shouldn’t be disciplining your child at this point in your relationship. You have only been dating five months. That’s not enough time for a new “partner” to build a rapport with a child where he will be able to discipline without resentment - by parent or child. He’s overstepping his bounds, but in his defense, he’s taking his signals from you. You are very clearly telling me what your boundaries are. You should be telling him.
It is important to note that there are vast differences in how biological parents and stepparents view discipline. First, as a generality, biological parents learn to pick their battles with their kids. Everything doesn’t have to be a federal case, and they may have a tendency to simply let some things go.Stepparents view this as “inconsistent” disciplinary tactics and often try to step in to compensate for what they feel is the biological parent’s inconsistency. This is when you may hear the “You’re not my parent!” comment from kids. Kid reasoning? “I’m in trouble for something you think is a big deal - not my parent.”
Second, it appears arguments between biological parents and their kids may be soon forgotten, whereas stepparents view arguments with their stepchildren as grossly “disrespectful.” Respect is very important to stepparents, but often taken for granted by biological parents. Biological parents don’t see arguments as a direct affront to their sensibilities. Stepparents do.
Bottom line, parents and stepparents simply view child-rearing differently, and as a result their disciplinary tactics are different. The key to successful discipline in a stepfamily is for the biological parent and the stepparent to get on the same page. Refer to ex etiquette for parents rule No. 4, “Bio parents make the rules, bonusparents uphold them.” That means the biological parent has the last word, but that word must be consistent with the morals of the stepparent.
Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the co-founders of Bonus Families - bonusfamilies.com - and the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation.
Family, Pages 35 on 05/30/2012