MONEY MANNERS

LITTLE ROCK — DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:

Some of my girlfriends who get allowances from their husbands believe the allowances are inadequate. So whenever they go to the store, they get $40 cash back on their debit cards and keep it for themselves. This way, they have some extra money, and their husbands never notice. I know it seems a little sneaky, but I don’t think my friends are doing anything wrong. After all, the money belongs to them as well as their husbands. But when I told my fiance about this, he was horrified. Don’t you think he’s overreacting?

• Lauren

DEAR LAUREN:

So what’s next for your pals? Helping themselves to their babies’ gift money? Lying about how much they pay the kid who mows the lawn? Or perhaps “borrowing” a couple of 20s from their sweetie’s wallet when he’s in the shower?

Of course you’re right that your friends aren’t stealing from their husbands. But they’re certainly being deceitful, not to mention seriously short on self-respect. Unless these women are all married to bullying skinflints, they should lose the debit-card ruse.

A better plan for them: Openly take what they need from the family coffers, and- if necessary - have what diplomats refer to as “a full and frank discussion” with their spouses about the flaws in the family budget.

DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD: My 70-year-old father is bipolar, and he’s always trying to alleviate his depression by taking luxury vacations and buying expensive cars.

The trouble is, he can’t afford these things. After years of dodging his creditors, he and my mother have now declared bankruptcy and are living in a small rented apartment. Mom, who has been in charge of their budget, has asked me for a “loan.” She’s no big spender, but she can’t stand up to Dad’s demands. Should I give them the money but maybe offer to take over their finances from her?

• M.M.

DEAR M.M .:

Your father has our sympathy, as do you and your mother. But reckless spending, for whatever reason, is still reckless spending. So by all means, take over your parents’ finances if you possibly can. Hopefully you’ll have more success than your mother in imposing some financial discipline on your father.

As for giving them money, do that only if you can make the gift conditional on your taking over their checkbook and controlling their budget. Otherwise, from everythingyou’ve said, giving your parents a “loan” will only lead to more overspending and more requests for your help.

Remember, your father’s mental illness already has claimed two financial victims. You don’t want to be the third.

DEAR JEANNE AND LEONARD:

I’m the executor of my mother’s estate, and I want to distribute her money among myself and my siblings, but I’m not sure how to proceed. Here’s the problem: Mom had about $100,000 in savings, and she left the money to the five of us equally. However, my sister “Joanne” owed Mom $2,000 and my brother “Greg” owed her $15,000. But they say they can’t repay their loans until they receive their inheritances. Aren’t I correct that once those two each get their fifth of the $100,000, the amount they repay gets evenly divided among the other three of us?

• Uncertain

DEAR UNCERTAIN:

In a word, no. Like the rest of your mother’s money, the amount they pay should be divided among all five of you. Look at it this way: If there’s $100,000 to disburse, this means the actual value of your mother’s estate is $117,000. That’s the $100,000 plus the $2,000 Joanne owes the estate and the $15,000 Greg owes. Divide the $117,000 by five, and you’ll see that each sibling is entitled to $23,400. This means giving $21,400 to Joanne ($23,400 minus the $2,000 she owes) and $8,400 to Greg ($23,400 minus the $15,000 he owes). The other three of you receive $23,400.

We hope you enjoy it.

Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). E-mail them at

Questions@MoneyManners.net