As a writer, I can’t help but harbor the uncomfortable feeling that by purchasing prewritten greeting cards, I’m cheating somehow.
I mean, I’m a writer. Am I not supposed to be going to the trouble of wording my greeting cards myself - even if using the same wording on multiple cards? Shouldn’t I make these cards by hand, enlisting the help of a co-worker-illustrator or using my own meeting doodlings? Or at least, buying the blank cards and hand-writing my own prose?
Yeah, well. I didn’t say I wasn’t a lazy writer. Or one who, as a columnist, hasn’t chosen to take the easiest route of all - turning Let’s Talk into one big holiday greeting card.
Having said that …
I express to you, my readers, joy, peace, perfectly cooked turkeys, perfectly baked cookies, perfectly wrapped gifts, sufficient “giftee” gratitude and perfect blood pressure readings this multiholiday season.
May your holiday trip flights leave and arrive on time. Or, if you’re taking your holiday trip by car, may your battery and your tires behave themselves.
May your family and friends laugh at your last-minute “Elf Yourself” videos.
May your family get along. May the relatives who always get filthy drunk, make accusations or put one family member against the other, decide to behave this year. May your grandchildren be well behaved, your in-laws nonjudgmental. And may your indoor pets not get into the food before your guests do.
May your Christmas Day be snow-free and may a repeat of last Christmas not occur, especially since we already had our fun the first weekend in December. If you run out to buy bread and milk, may it be because you choose to have it or need to use it in a recipe for a scrumptious holiday dish.
May each of your holiday parties be free of nasty gossip, may there be no one there wearing a duplicate of the dress you carefully chose for the occasion and may your hosts/hostesses not see you dumping that unsavory drink or morsel into a houseplant. May you not be cornered by the most gabby and/or boring fellow guest, and may no unseemly photos of you show up on social media.
May your Christmas sweaters, especially any you might receive as a gift, be “Christmas” sweaters in name only. If they indeed bear images of Santa, Rudolph or any of the other reindeer, snowmen, decorated trees, snowflakes, cats or dogs in Santa hats, fireplaces or depressing renditions of Thomas Kinkade houses, may you win a cash prize in a 2013 or 2014 Ugly Christmas Sweater contest. (If you happen to decide to Google “Christmas Sweater images,” ahem, prepare yourself.)
May you be awake and sober enough to ring in the New Year, and may you be suffering no PBCMSD (post-bad Christmas movie stress disorder).
May your after-Christmas and New Year’s Day sale shopping be fruitful. If you want or need to return a gift for a better selection or for cash, may your gift giver not walk into the store and catch you. Matter of fact, may your unwanted gift be returnable and not something you regifted, then was regifted again and yet again before finally being regifted back to you.
May your football teams win … well, that may be too tall an order given the way my family’s friends’ and acquaintances’ teams have been playing. Chances are your team’s season has already come to an end. So never mind.
May your holiday decorations come down rapidly and peacefully, and if you just shrug and decide to leave them up until next year, may your neighbors understand and not laugh or point.
And most of all - may you not embarrass yourself in public by doing your own Charlton Heston “end of Planet of the Apes” movie scene when you start seeing merchants put out the Valentine’s Day merchandise, no matter how strong the urge may be.
And may all your emailing be bright: hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style, Pages 54 on 12/22/2013