Only three more shopping days until Christmas!
Make it four, considering this is the age of of 24-hour drugstores selling as-seen-on-TV delights such as the Stufz Stuffed Burger Maker (because putting cheese on your burger is so 2012). And Hot Buns. No, that’s not a side dish for your Stufz burgers. It’s a doughnut-shaped contraption that helps one (no, two - two for just $10! Call now!) achieve “fabulous buns.” Yes! Doughnuts that actually help our butts! No, wait, they are hair accessories for creating “fabulous buns” … on our heads. Can I still have a doughnut?
While you figure out what to buy your obligated ones, er, loved ones, we have done all the work to figure out what our celebrities need:
Khloe Kardashian
Gift: Football tickets. She recently filed divorce documents to dissolve her four-year marriage to troubled basketball player Lamar Odom. She needs a new man.Or at least a new sport. Wait, she might already have both. She has been spotted spending time with baseball star Matt Kemp. Better get her a Los Angeles Dodgers jersey.
Kanye West
Gift: A police badge. After all, the rapper explained the peril he faces while performing in a recent radio interview: “I’m just giving up my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally. … And if I slipped … you never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, ‘Wow, this is like being a police officer or something, in war or something.’” Or maybe just get him a gag so he stops saying stuff like this.
Ashley Judd
Gift: A guitar. So she can produce a country song about her current real-life drama. The actress told police she suspects her older sister Wynonna Judd of having a tracking device put on her car. She can call the song “Wynonna, Why Ya Spyin’ on Me?”
Lindsay Lohan
Gift: A pen. The actress is reported to have a literary agent and has started working on a tell-all memoir that will cover her drug abuse arrests and legal proceedings. Who would buy that? Isn’t all this information public record and free?
Family Guy’s dog Brian
Gift: Breath. The mutt that was killed off a month ago in Fox’s animated show was resurrected - appeasing all the outraged fans who balked. Brian has a life, and here’s hoping fans of the show get one too.
Aaron Carter
Gift: Accounting for Young Dummies. Remember little Aaron Carter the singer? He’s now 25 and has racked up big debt. He filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last month, claiming to have tax and credit debts exceeding $3.5 million and blaming the mismanagement of his overseers. We look to his lyrics for something inspirational to say him. So Aaron, hang in there and “Jump on the Fizzy!” Whatever that means.
Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi
Gift: $14.95. Neal Schon, the guitarist from Journey, recently married reality star and infamous White House party crasher Michaele Salahiin a very romantic ceremony that you should have seen - that you could have seen in a live three-hour pay-per-view broadcast for less than $15. We might have paid if we thought Tareq Salahi - Michaele’s ex-husband, who starred with her on the Real Housewives of D.C. and reported Michaele kidnapped when she ran off with Schon - would be crashing this party.
Party on and email: jchristman@arkansasonline.com Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style, Pages 49 on 12/22/2013