For me, Christmas is finally getting fun again. After a 10-year lull of no toys, siblings and cousins are finally getting around to having kids and providing me with a reason to do the fun kind of Christmas shopping.
While I stuck with mostly books this year (worst. aunt. ever.), the ever-circulating lists of the “Top Toys of 2013” have caught my eye a couple of times. The Wall Street Journal’s MarketWatch Top 10 list left me longing for simple days of Polly Pockets and Play-Doh. Kids these days. Get off my lawn.
Here’s the rundown of what the screaming crowd of first-graders on the elementary school playground behind my house probably have their fingers crossed for this year. Your move, Santa.
Jenga: Seriously? There are kids spending precious Christmas list space on this block tower game? Call me skeptical, but Jenga strikes me as the kind of thing last-minute shoppers pull off the shelves when they don’t know what else to get their cousin’s 8-year-old kid. The only time I recall enjoying a good game of Jenga was circa my junior year of college when I was introduced to Drinking Jenga. The game involved written instructions on each of the 54 blocks that included turning off all the lights at the party or lighting the piece on fire. On second thought, yes. This is a great gift.
Furby: I maintain that the Furby gifted to me in 1998 continued to talk even after its batteries were yanked and the thing was tossed in a pile of laundry. From what I recall, one looks like a weird owl/rabbit hybrid, they slowly learns English and serves no other purpose than to scare the hell out of dads everywhere. No thank you.
Elmo: I’m not sure this is a gift so much as an entire character. I really have nothing negative to say about Elmo, other than the dude seems to be getting a lot of face time lately. The world could use a little more Prairie Dawn, if you ask me. But sure, Elmo sounds like a great gift. Go nuts.
Sophia the First: I’m assuming this is some kind of Disney adaptation of the life of Princess Sophia of the UK who died in 1848 and maybe had an affair with her brother. I’m going to have to vote no here.
Doc McStuffins: Ok, this one I know. After hanging out with a couple of 4-year-olds over Thanksgiving, I am now well-versed in Doc McStuffins, a show about a kid named Dottie McStuffins who fixes toys and dolls. Three cheers for positive female role models. Buy all the Doc McStuffins toys. All of them.
LeapPad: What is it with kids today needing all these gadgets? Down with screens! Get the kid a darn book. Now where did I put my iPhone?
Lego: The Lego universe has gone bananas since I was a kid. All I remember is leaving bucketloads of those little bricks on the basement floor for my dad to step on in the morning. He really loved it. Now you can build the entire Sydney Opera House out of the darn things (for a cool $320). But traditions are traditions. Every dad deserves a chance to have small plastic pieces buried in the sole of his foot.
Monster High: No, no, no, no, no.
Nerf: Much like Lego, Nerf guns have gotten weirdly advanced since the days of my youth. What child is going to be able to write Nerf N-Strike Elite RapidStrike CS-18 Blaster on his list? Congrats on getting whatever box says Nerf that your aunt sees first on the shelf this year, kid.
Barbie: Sigh. I wouldn’t care so much if these pink nightmares were less pricey and more reasonably dressed. Even the best driver is going to have trouble parking her hot pink Fiat in 4-inch T-strap sandals. For $33.99 plus tax, I expect the Barbie Fiat to come with some sensible flats.