Dame presents a 2013 take on the original “’Twas the Night Before Christmas” by Clement Clarke Moore.
’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
all were on iPads or a desktop with mouse.
The Spanx shapewear was worn under clothes with care.
So the Yuletide muffin top wouldn’t show there.
The children? Have none. So I just judge celebs.
“North West”? “Ace Knute”? Why not “Laughing Stock” instead?
Wearing infomercial Hot Buns and not a cap,
I settled in with Us Weekly and a nightcap.
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter.
OMG, it distracted my texting chatter!
I walked toward the window with a lazy stroll.
Cursing it for not having remote control.
Nervously the Elf on the Shelf said, “Uh oh!”
As we looked outside at the new-fallen snow.
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and some tiny “dears.”
Wait, “miniature” and “tiny,” Yo, what’s up, St. Nick?
How are all my big presents supposed to fit?
More glamorous in person, his companions, they came.
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now J. Lo! Now Gaga!
Now Oprah and Beyonce!
On, Taylor and Miley!
On, Kourtney and Khloe!
Kate Middleton and Lindsay!
Kris, Kylie and Kendall!
Now bash away! Bash away!
Bash away all!”
Bash? Why are they angry? Why are they all here?
Oh no, they’re upset at what I’ve written all year!
So up to my housetop stars clicked in heeled shoes,
with a sleigh-full of complaints, and St. Nicholas, too.
They were dressed all in fur, and plenty of bling.
Demanded Lindsay, “Why do you print all these things?”
I said, “It’s only in fun.
And where is your jet?
And why are you reading the Democrat-Gazette?”
The Elf - how he fretted. His face, how nervous!
Clearly, he had tattled and done me disservice!
Now, not only was I on the naughty list,
I’d end up in a song written by T. Swift!
“There’s been a mistake, I’m your biggest fan!
C’mon, laugh at yourselves! Surely you can!
As for me being naughty, how could you think it?
Now, Santa, could you please leave me a trinket?”
Beyonce cologne! A Sears Kardashian sweater!
And a Twerkmistress CD!
Best gifties ever!
Then I exclaimed, ’ere they drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas, y’all! I’ll be better next year, alright?” Merry Christmas! Email: jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood.
Style, Pages 34 on 12/24/2013