OTUS THE HEAD CAT

Foreign-speaking foreigners threaten top border

Note: Otus is spending this week rejuvenating in his Head Cat hyperbolic chamber. Sixty-eight percent of the 4,287 readers responding to an online poll requested a rerun of this Honorary Stephen Leacock Award-winning column from Nov. 4, 1995.

It was, my fellow Americans, a very close thing.

Last Monday we came within a whisker of having an elitist bunch of foreigners speaking a foreign language establish a new foreign country cheek by jowl with God-fearing American New Englanders.

The vote in Canada was razor-thin.

At the risk of incurring the wrath of knee-jerk multiculturalists, I’m here to tell you that it’s a fortunate thing that the Canadian Federalists won their fight against the Quebec separatists. Seven million voted and by the slim margin of 50.6 percent against separation to 49.4 percent for, Canada will remain one country. For now.

Had the Quebecois been successful in their attempt to break away, unholy chaos would have ensued. Pitiful English-speaking refugees clutching their meager belongings would have flooded our borders and, for the first time in our long mutual history, armed American troops would have had to be sent to the northern piney woods from New York to Maine to ensure tranquility.

How could it have come to this? Blame it on the French and heed the lesson well.

People in Quebec, my friends, don’t speak English. They pronounce it kay-BECK. They speak French. That’s the same language as those cheese-nibbling, wine-sucking, ungrateful ne’er-do-wells who live in France. Yeah, the same batch of toadies whose heinies we pulled out of the fire twice in this century with precious little thanks.

Quebec (which in Algonquian means “where the river narrows”) is Canada’s largest province. Montreal is Canada’s largest city. About 80 percent of the people there speak only French, live in homes built in the French style, eat french fries and French bread and actually know what a bidet is.

They are, to be blunt, not like us.

Did we Americans not dabble in this secession folly ourselves a while back? In the late War of Northern Aggression there were 11 Southern states that also spoke a different language and tried to go their own way. We remember all too well what happened in that unfortunate circumstance. Today the South is the embodiment of American values, language, culture and spirit. We are the envy of the nation for our generosity, spunk - our joie de vivre and je ne sais quoi.

Quebec should take note and follow our example.

But do not believe for one moment that just because those favoring unity won this day that all is well. There are those, even among us in the United States, who foment rebellion. They are a secretive and subversive lot, more clandestine than the Illuminati, Freemasons and Kiwanis, and their exact numbers are unknown.

A recent letter illustrates well my point.

Dear Otus:

Everywhere I go I find an increasing number of homes with little flagpoles on the porches flying strange seasonal banners.

What are these flags? Who are these people? And why are they not displaying the flag of our country on their poles? Are these silly questions?

Sincerely, Frank O’Phyle, Hot Springs Village

Silly? Au contraire, Frank. Your questions are most a propos. Those flags belong to members of the QOA - Quebecois of America - a hard-core cartel of disgruntled Frenchie wannabes.

It is true. A secret society of Quebec separatists has gained a foothold in the United States and is using these little flagpoles for identification and communication.

You may have seen a number of them recently sporting banners with a Halloween theme - ghosts, pumpkins, etc. - in what was, in reality, a surreptitious display of support for the elitist radicals in Quebec.

Keep your eye on these houses and mark down the names and addresses of the occupants. Should you discover, in unguarded moments, they are speaking French, be extra cautious. Be wary of their seemingly good natures and innocuous demeanor.

Should they suddenly switch to flags of snowmen, snowflakes or anything to do with winter (it gets very cold in Quebec), it is a sign of impending revolt and sedition.

And don’t believe that you can discern these people just by looking at them. Most Americans would be shocked - shocked - to learn that many beloved “all-American” actors are, in reality, Canadians. Superficially, they look just like us.

Michael J. Fox? Canadian. Jim Carrey? Canadian. Anna Paquin? Canadian. Donald Sutherland? Canadian. Pamela Anderson? Canadian. Mike Myers? Canadian. The list goes on.

Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that eternal vigilance and speaking only English is the price of freedom.

Disclaimer Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s award-winning column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email: mstorey@arkansasonline.com

HomeStyle, Pages 38 on 12/28/2013

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