LITTLE ROCK — Over Christmas, our plan was to keep it simple and quiet. With my mother-inlaw visiting, both children at home and all of us in need of a rest, we decided to split our time between home and farm. So after opening presents at home on Christmas Day, we headed out.
In any weather, the farm is neutral ground. If tension has appeared at home, it’s gone by the time we make the hour drive to the farm. When I drive by myself, there’s an emptying that happens along the way. Sometimes it’s internal; sometimes it’s me talking out loud. Work, family, financial or personal issues, the road doesn’t care. It absorbs it all, and as my mind empties, my heart opens up.
For this trip we took two cars. My husband, motherin-law and I left first, and soon we were driving through swirling snow that was lovely to see. By the time my daughter and son got to the farm, that snow had turned to sleet and ice. They barely made it, and it was clear there’d be no going back until the temperature on the mountain went up. In that moment, our one day at the farm became two days.
No matter how lovely the holiday is, some tension always shows up. That’s life in any family, and it’s one of many lessons parenting has taught me. Regardless of how prepared we are, tension will show up. When it does, it gives us a choice - engage, avoid or rise above.
Depending on circumstances, all three can be appropriate solutions. Sometimes you need to challenge behaviors to get to the cause and address what’s really going on. Tears may come, but lightness and understanding often follow them. Sometimes you need to avoid, out of respect for someone else’s situation or because you already know there’s no interest in resolving anything. And sometimes, if you’ve got the willpower, rising above and disengaging allows everyone to keep moving through and past whatever it is.
Each situation has to be assessed on its own. Successful engagements have cleared the path for progress, counseling, open conversations and better understanding. But they don’t always go well and they require time and commitment to change and heal. Avoidance can ease everyone around something difficult or skirt a dangerous escalation. But it can also force unaddressed pain and anger into something worse, like passive aggression, sadness or chronic drama.
When the issues that cause the tension don’t need to be cleared in the moment, or when the tension is more from life than choice, rising above usually works best. Of course, it’s also the most difficult path. It requires accessing a clear, calm place inside, operating from love and humility, acknowledging our role in creating the situation, and being the first to admit blame or weakness. It may involve asking forgiveness appropriately, but it does not result in anyone being victimized.When we rise above tension, holding others accountable is more effective and has more legitimacy.
Sure enough, when the neutral ground of the farm’s small living room became tense, I chose avoidance and retreated to the bedroom. And that’s where my husband, who takes the temperature of the family well, found me. He sat on the bed beside me and waited. After a moment, he asked, “Whatcha thinking, Sweetheart?”
“I’m trying to figure out what Mrs. Appleyard would tell me to do.”
He waited again, then prompted, “And?”
“She’d say, “Pull it together, dear. This is Christmas. They are on their journey, and you are on yours. Let it go and let Christmas be happy.”
He nodded appraisingly. “Pretty good advice. Can you do it?”
I took a few deep breaths and sat up.
“I can,” I told him.
And we did. We headed back with a lighter, cleaner attitude. Together, we rose above the tension and filled the kitchen, and then the living room, with loving acceptance and joy. Once the heart of the home was loving and joyful, the tension swept out of the house. It hit the swirling, sleety snow outside and was gone.
Write to Jennifer Hansen at Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, P.O. Box 7, Springdale,Ark. 72765. E-mail her at:
Family, Pages 24 on 01/02/2013