A ton of answers

OKAY, FOLKS, please take your seats. Thank you. Jay is out, um, sick today. Maybe sick this week. Hopefully he’ll be back before Thanksgiving. (Please, Lord, get him back here quick.) So I’m the back-up for White House briefings. I have pre-approved note cards with me, so you might have to give me a few secs between questions. We’ll start as soon as CNN and Fox quit fooling around back there. All the cameras ready? Okay, then. Right here, down front:

Can you tell the country, and the world for that matter, that the United States’ government did not spy on the chancellor of Germany, an ally of ours, by listening in on her cell phone conversations?

Hold on. Let’s see . . . No. 14. We are not spying on Angela Merkel’s cell phone, as has been reported, and we will never do that.

That didn’t answer the question. Did the U.S. do it in the recent past?

We are not spying on Angela Merkel. There is no spying there, depending on what the definition of “is” is.

But before the allegations came to light last week, were U.S. officials listening in on her cell phone conversations?

I have been instructed to tell you that we have never listened in on any cell phone conversation of President Angela Merkel.

Angela Merkel is the chancellor, not president, of Germany.

I have already answered that question. Let’s move on, shall we? Next question, over there:

Reports now say that the National Security Agency monitored phone conversations of 35 world leaders in the last few years. Are any U.S. allies in that bunch?

Uh, let’s see, No. 39. Oh, this one was written by Jay himself. Ahem, “We cannot comment publicly on every specified alleged intelligence activity.” (That’s a good one. I’ll have to dog-ear this card.)

I’m not asking for specifics on this one. Of the 35 world leaders that were monitored, how many, if any, were allies?

The president has spoken to a handful of world leaders in the last few days and assured them that we will not monitor their phones.

Yes, you’ve made that clear.

And, oh yes, that reminds me: The president has initiated a review of intelligence gathering to, um . . . here it is . . . “to balance security needs with legitimate privacy concerns.” There.

Has the fallout from the NSA allegations hurt ties with France, Brazil or Mexico? The Germans have protested. What about the others?

(Where’s that one? Here it is.) “Clearly, there has been tension in country-to-country relationships over the years as allegations are made by one source or another, sometimes unfairly or even inaccurately.”

Meaning what exactly?

I’ve answered the question. Let’s move on. Yes, over there:

Analysts say very little of what the spooks call Reportable Intelligence can be gathered by listening in to the phones of world leaders because they don’t consider those phones secure. And that the diplomatic damage far outweighs anything that could possibly be gleaned from listening in . . . .

You’d have to ask the folks over at State about that.

They referred us to you.

No comment, then. Except we all know that gentlemen don’t read each other’s mail, and how careful our allies have been about not spying on us, or on each other for that matter, don’t we? No wonder the French and Germans are shocked, shocked. There. I think we’ve exhausted this topic, so let’s move to another one, shall we? Something that the American people care about, hmm? Something not as sensitive as diplomatic relations? Yes, over there:

Has the president contacted the Washington Redskins owner about changing the name of the club?

Oh, brother. . . .