"What Sort of Hen Should You Have? Pole Dancing or Polar Trekking?"
OK, it's officially time for such foolish Facebook quizzes to fly the coop.
I determined this after I just had to take the irresistible BuzzFeed hen quiz, of course. (Final answer: "Exotic. Because, if you could whisk all your friends off for a luxury break by an infinity pool in Bali or St. Bart's, why wouldn't you?" Huh? Why would anyone bring a bird to the beach? And why were there so many half-naked pictures of Channing Tatum during the test?)
Oh, wait, it wasn't about chickens. It was about chicks. I misread the title: "What Sort of Hen Do Should You Have?" Hen Do is British slang for bachelorette party.
I still say it might be time to do away with these silly, self-absorbed social media personality assessments that are getting stranger by the day ("How Obsessed With Pizza Are You?" "Which Character From A Stephen Sondheim Musical Are You?" "Which Famous Person Should Come To Your Passover Seder?").
Well, right after I take just one more: "What Kind of Girl Scout Cookie Are You?"
Cranberry Citrus Crisps? No way! Weak! I'm trying again and again until I get my soul mate Samoas and then I'll post it for all to see.
Because no one -- not even the girl who rates low on "How Much of a Diva Are You?" -- actually shares unflattering analysis after a quiz. When we begin a multiple-choice quiz, say "What Kind of Thinker Are You?" we have a desired outcome in mind ("Creative Genius") and don't reveal anything that might mar our image.
That's probably because we are ... Creatures of Habit? That's what kind of thinker I am? I have a clean desk, enjoy scheduling activities and plan dinner, and therefore I'm totally commonplace and habitual and stuck in a rut? Pass the Cranberry Citrus Crisps.
It's important to remember that these BuzzFeed, Quizilla, Quibblo, etc., quizzes are completely unscientific and intended only for entertainment. They don't actually reveal anything meaningful about a person. Unless an attention-seeking user participates in and posts way too many of them. And then the analysis is quite simple:
• "How Dateable Are You Actually?" Not very. If you were dateable, you'd be out for dinner right about now.
• "What Kind of A B**** Are You?" The kind who lies to make herself look good on Facebook to lure others into a false sense of social media security, of course! Bwahaha.
• "What Word Best Describes You?" Well, "purposeless" if you have time to take this quiz. Followed by "Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Are You Actually?" Followed by "Which South American Country Do You Actually Belong In?" Followed by "Which Pokemon On Ash's Team Would You Actually Be?" (Actual names of Actually quizzes.)
• "How Much of a Grandma Are You?" One hundred percent of the guilt-tripping, needy variety who is always whining, "You never call."
• "What's Your Inner Potato?" Tie between small potato, couch potato and hot potato that people want to drop immediately.
• "What Does Your Musical Instrument Says About You?" You toot your own horn. Loudly.
• "What Dessert Are You?" A Nutty Buddy.
• "What Ocean Animal Are You?" A parasitic barnacle dwelling in shallow water.
• "What Color Is Your Aura?" A dull shade of vanilla.
• "Which Titanic Character Are You?" The sinking ship.
• "Which Celebrity Cat Should Be Your BFF?" Grumpy Cat. She's already used to being annoyed.
• "Who Is Your Celebrity Family?" Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, meaning people would like to "consciously uncouple" from you.
What kind of emailer are you:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 08/10/2014