Still in love with in-laws

Splitting with them cuts deeper for some divorced spouses

Arkansas Democrat-Gazette divorce illustration.
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette divorce illustration.

I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.

"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me about my ex-husband, whom she still adores.

Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation any time soon. We're in a good -- but divorced -- place.

Still, she asks. Around the world, disappointed in-laws go on asking.

A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to in-laws. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while keeping the peace and moving forward?

Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to assess your situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, solutions are easier to find today than in earlier generations.

"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s, and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the self-published e-book on mediation A Clearer Path: The Divorce Consultants Complete Guide to Divorce. "But today, my kids -- who are products of divorce -- find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that [it's] OK for everybody to get along."

Perry said that unless there has been a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and the ex's family can be beneficial, especially if children are involved.

"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today it's about finding new ways of communicating."

And these days, it's easier than ever to find those new ways.

Technology makes it easier to stay in touch, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of How to Be a Grown-Up: The 10 Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know (HarperOne).

Here are other tips from Perry and Kaiser on navigating post-divorce relationships with ex in-laws:

Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be sensitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoyed to highly exasperated.

If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.

"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while, and she would call him and invite him to things all the time, and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently -- there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me, and it's OK to include him from time to time, but I need to be sure that it's something I'm comfortable with.'

"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them, too."

Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.

"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex, but it would really bother me if you, say, called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."

Create a schedule. Often, another word for in-law is "grandparent." Connecting with such "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates can defuse potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.

Perry, who is also a life coach, has helped couples establish a schedule with the help of a mediator or some other counselor, to address time spent with former inlaws.

“I had a couple set things up in mediation, and it avoided so many problems,” Perry said. “They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit.”

Ask your former in-laws how they’d like to move forward. “Sometimes you’re closer to your ex’s family than you are to your own, so letting go of that daily contact might be tough,” Kaiser said. “Some can handle it, while others need a clean break because it’s painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex’s family.”

But be prepared to withdraw gracefully if your former in-laws are not yet ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.

“It’s hard [not to take this personally], and it’s completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry,” she said. “This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it’s important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes and let them know that you’re hoping they will change their mind.”

Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren’t clinging to an ex’s family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?

“For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had,” Kaiser said. “A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don’t take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It’s important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected.”

Understand the benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex-in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.

“I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much,” Perry said. “She didn’t have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can’t handle how much the ex-wife is in his family’s life. So while it’s nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance.”

Use appropriate technology. “The old-school way was [that] all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative,” Kaiser said. “Nowadays, there’s email and texting. You can be in peripheral touch.”

Social media offers another option.

“With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures, but it’s not intrusive or hurtful,” Kaiser said. “The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else’s feelings.”

Family on 08/20/2014

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