As we sail into the Christmas season, my mind once again turns to gifts.
Not the socks, the 50-inch flat-screen TVs, the sweaters and the gift cards and such. Stuff that's too tame and too ordinary for the nonconformist soul. I prefer shaking my head over some of the, shall we say, less orthodox items by which it's possible to say "I love you," "I'm thinking about you," or "I am/you are a bit of a nut case."
So after searching for said head-shaking opportunities, I've come up with what I'll call:
The Let's Talk Top Five Craziest Gifts.
Breakfast Dental Floss, $5.95
"Who needs breakfast when you've got Breakfast Floss?" begins one pitch. We'll go one better: "What better way to get people to form a habit that is so tough to form (according to at least one dentist -- Dr. Mark Burhenne, founder of Askthedentist.com)? The floss comes in three flavors: coffee, waffle and bacon. Each package contains three plastic dispensers of 12 yards each of waxed dental floss. (Good thing the floss doesn't actually contain these foods. Why, if they did, we're sure you'd have to start all over with your whole oral-hygiene process ... brushing again, then flossing, then repeating ad nauseam.
Higgs Boson Watch, $35.99
This is perfect for the serious, and I mean serious, egghead or a child who likes to watch swirly things rotate. The mind-blowing design of the Higgs Boson Watch displays what is believed to be evidence of the Higgs boson decaying into other bosons during a collision," according to watch's description.
"Wait," the less left-brained of you may ask. "What the heck is a boson and why is this one sorta named after that dude in My Fair Lady?" No, no, no. "When Nobel Prize-winning physicist Leon M. Lederman gave the Higgs boson (named after Peter Higgs, not Lady's Henry Higgins) the nickname 'The God Particle,' he was not exaggerating. ... For half a century scientists have tried to discover this particle, which is a part of what's called the Standard Model of particle physics."
Well, we won't go into the debate the boson sparked. We'll just say it's a unique watch, sure to be a conversation piece. And it does tell the time.
Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt, $29.99
No more undignified "air guitar" playing! This is a playable, battery-operated electric guitar, built into a T-shirt (it comes apart so the T-shirt can be washed periodically, thank goodness. The guitar is complete with mini-amplifier that clips to one's belt. It can be strummed by touching the string area of the shirt. Each button on the neck of the guitar is a major chord, recorded from a real guitar. (P.S. There's nothing that says the shirt will protest if your gift recipient were to strum an R&B, country or gospel tune on his Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt.)
Wanna create a T-shirt band? There's also an Electronic Drum Machine Shirt.
Accoutrements Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure, $14.95
This is the latest among the not exactly the Marvel Avengers/Transformers action figures. She stands more than 5 inches tall, comes with six cats and is strategically attired in robe, pajamas and slippers. One online reviewer complained that the figure perpetuates the stereotype of the ugly crazy cat lady -- "We pretty cat ladies need some representing." Another protests the attire, grousing that "no Crazy Cat Lady worth the title would be without fuzzy kitty slippers." (Stereotypes about crazy cat ladies be darned.)
Instant Underpants, $3.50
These unisex garments are like plants -- just add water to get them out of the compact, giant-aspirin-like pellet into which they're compressed. After a short soaking, they can be pulled apart. They come in a 2-1/2-inch tin and fit "most children and small adults."
Now why these would need to be compressed into a pellet when underpants are fairly small anyway -- and underpants replacements are so readily available in one's dresser drawer -- we can't say. We can only speculate that Instant Underpants have the potential to make the discriminating wearer, especially a youthful one, feel like an Inspector Gadget type or one of the Mission: Impossible crew.
Please note that this list is tongue-in-cheek. Send nonserious replies only to:
hwilliams@arkansasonline.com
Style on 12/07/2014