Dear Madam:
Thank you for your (choose one or more) letter, email, extended phone call, conversation in the grocery store.
Whatever the medium, you were critical of our failure to properly use (choose one or more) grammar, syntax, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure, paragraphing, metaphor, simile, analogy.
Or to (choose one or more) check our facts, tell the truth, do our research, edit, proofread or give proper weight to the news events you find most compelling.
Yes, I agree. Sometimes I, too, read the newspaper and find it to be (choose one or more) not as good as in the old days, unworthy of fish wrap, poorly written, edited by imbeciles, dominated by Republicans, a slave to the Democratic Party, clueless about what's really happening in the world, not fit for intelligent human consumption.
Our reporters and editors absolutely must, based on your analysis, pay more careful attention to (choose one or more) Fox News, MSNBC, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Channel 7, Vanity Fair, Car and Driver Magazine.
Because that news organization of which you are so fond (choose one or more) has its head on straight, knows how the cow ate the cabbage, is the bee's knees, has the proper perspective on the Congress, has stood up to the White House, publishes better recipes for cornbread dressing.
It was good to learn that you do like in our newspaper the (choose only one) photography, editorials, sports agate, cornbread dressing recipes, weather page, Beetle Bailey, Bradley Gitz columns.
Although you do despair at the (choose one or more) photography, editorials, sports agate, cornbread dressing recipes, weather page, Beetle Bailey, Bradley Gitz columns.
It was important for us to know that you will cancel your subscription if we ever drop (choose all) photography, editorials, sports agate, cornbread dressing recipes, weather page, Beetle Bailey, Bradley Gitz columns.
No, it's not true that the newspaper has (choose one or more) reduced the type size, cut back on the ink to save money , employs 10-year-olds to toss every other newspaper into the bushes, keeps John Brummett only because he has compromising photographs of Paul Greenberg, or is edited by people whose education stopped at the seventh grade.
I was charmed to find that you have learned via word of mouth or, even better, the Internet that most newspapers are (choose one or more) written at the sixth-grade level, secretly edited remotely in Bangladesh, run by people with journalism degrees.
Frankly, madam, I take umbrage at your assertion that our journalists are (choose one or more) liberals, conservatives, drunkards, sloths, pinheads, pantywaists, dilettantes, elitists, rednecks, atheists, fools, Chicago Cubs fans, hoodlums who wear their pants so low their buttocks show.
Neither are our journalists the lackeys, minions and sycophants of (choose one or more) the Tea Party, the left-wing nutjobs of the Democratic Party, the John Birch Society, Mayor Mark Stodola, the UA football program.
We have, in fact, published many news stories about (choose only one) the Arkansas State University football team.
Yes, yes, I have heard that the newspaper has been rendered moot by (choose all) radio, television, cable, satellite, the Internet, social media, direct mail.
Perhaps it is a surprise that we have not (choose all) closed up shop, turned ourselves into an electronic blog, gone to hell in a handbasket.
Thank you again, madam, for your (choose one or more) letter, email, extended phone call, conversation in the grocery store.
It was (pick it) a pleasure, delight, challenge, education, illumination.
May all your troubles be (sincerely) little ones.
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Frank Fellone is the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette's deputy editor.
Editorial on 12/08/2014