Q I am involved in a relationship with a man (we are both 58 years old) who has been divorced for five years. His 30-year-old-daughter, her husband and two children live with him in the family home they have lived in for years. I do not live at the same address. However, his ex-wife comes over to visit his daughter and grandchildren. I am not comfortable about this. I think he should tell his ex-wife that she can't come to his home. His daughter is quite capable of going to visit her mother in her own home. What's good ex-etiquette?
A This is a difficult one because I see your point -- the daughter could go over to her mother's home if she wants to visit, and probably does. However, there are some extenuating circumstances that should be considered.
First, this is the family home which "mom" lived in for years while her daughter grew up. Both probably feel comfortable in the home and think nothing of the other visiting.
Second, this family is obviously very close, and the fact that mom and dad are divorced has not damped that closeness. They already have an established way of interacting, which is evidently more casual than you would like. However, if you ask them to stop doing something they all feel comfortable doing, you run the risk of alienating your guy's daughter and, as a result, your guy.
Good ex-etiquette rule No. 9 of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette is "Respect each other's turf." That means you respect his space and lifestyle and he respects yours. Expect each other to change, and that's a recipe for failure.
If this was a first-time romance with no children or grandchildren to consider, the rules could be more cut and dried. Under those circumstances, of course, it would be inappropriate for the ex to come over to your boyfriend's home; her only motive would be to be around your boyfriend -- which would be very bad ex-etiquette now that you are in the picture.
Add children and grandchildren and, doing the math, a long marriage, and things aren't that cut and dried. History changes everything. Even the most conservative people step out of their comfort zone to make things run smoothly in circumstances like this.
History, however, is not license to be insensitive to a new partner. Citing good ex-etiquette rule No. 4, "Set clear boundaries," it's up to Dad (your guy) to be clear about what he feels is appropriate in his home. But you have a right to be happy as well, and if a close relationship with an ex is a deal breaker for you, own it (set your own boundaries) and accept that the solution may be to move on. Don't be miserable and expect a family to change to meet your needs. They won't, and they will resent that you expect them to.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 12/10/2014