Paul Rosolie: Snake expert? Or snake oil salesman?
Naturalist, author and wildlife filmmaker, Rosolie was the star of last Sunday's Discovery Channel special Eaten Alive. Well, co-star. The real stars of this two-hour supposed action adventure were two reptilian leading ladies.
Rosolie's objective? Well, snake along back up a few lines and read the show's title again.
"No one has ever survived what I'm about to experience," he tells cameras. "I'm going to be the first person to be constricted and eaten alive by a giant anaconda."
Which leaves the audience with two questions.
Um, why?
You drunk on Snakebite, bro?
As for why, a seemingly sober, arguably insane Rosolie offers this explanation: "If we can learn how these snakes kill and consume their prey, to see just how powerful an anaconda can be, that's going to give us an unbelievably new perspective on the largest snake species on the planet."
Was anything that wrong with the old perspective?
After all, the narrator says the greatest recorded constriction pressure of an anaconda is 90 PSI (pounds per square inch), or in other words, like having a bus parked on one's chest.
That's just not enough to satisfy the inquisitive Rosolie and his team of engineers and herpetologists, who designed for him a special squish-proof suit. They set out for his previous stamping grounds in the "Amazon abyss" so he can feed himself to a colossal snake -- the 24-foot-or-so serpent that got away he calls "Chu'mana" (snake maiden).
More than an hour into the special, they haven't caught her when the perilous rainy season starts, so they settle for a smaller, 20-foot beast. But the narrator continues drumming up the drama: "Paul is still determined to put his suit to the test and get eaten alive. ... Paul will go head to head with one of the largest and most ferocious anacondas ever captured."
While Rosolie says he has spent years preparing for this encounter, we've got to wonder. Dressed in protection from chain mail to a helmet and monitors tracking his heart rate, breathing and temperature, he realizes he can't move in the suit (he didn't try it on before filming?) and removes the arm and leg shields.
"My arms and legs are exposed, so if I get into a bad situation, the blood loss and the possibility of a broken bone are two very serious threats," says Rosolie, as if he's not already in a bad situation, about to be a beast's breakfast (bacon, more specifically; he has been slathered in pig's blood to attract the snake).
Soon into the constricting phase, Rosolie's heart rate is high, his breathing is labored and he's light-headed. The experiment ends before the snake can even make a proper snack of Rosolie's helmet.
The carnage was by no means over. That's when Eaten Alive got eaten alive by social media.
Here's one of the nicer tweets: "steve irwin would pass through the digestive canals of a ball python & still be home for dinner that night this paul cat is a FRAUD #EatenAlive."
Further putting on the squeeze was People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Though a disclaimer said, "The snakes featured in this program were under the care of professional herpetologists during filming," PETA stated: "Paul Rosolie and his crew put this snake through undeniable stress and robbed her of essential bodily resources."
At the end of the show, the uneaten Rosolie was crowing, not eating crow.
"Now that I know this suit can withstand the crush, we're ready to take this to a real giant. ... My quest doesn't end here. I'm going to comb through every corner of this forest, in search of the largest snake on earth and show the world once and for all the incredible power and magnificence of this remarkable giant of the Amazon."
As if the networks are going to bite.
For goodness' snake, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 12/14/2014