Q My ex and I share equal custody of our twin 6-year-old boys. They are very close to my father, with whom I recently had an ugly falling out over a business deal. I'm so angry I don't want the kids around my parents for the holidays, but my ex insisted on taking them over there on Thanksgiving. She says she'll do the same on Christmas Day. (They are with me for Christmas Eve.) She told me it's my issue, not the kids', and she's going against what I say! This can't be good ex-etiquette! How can I stop her?
A Actually, it is good ex-etiquette, particularly if she's doing it for the sake of the children and not to be spiteful just to get back at you. It sounds as if she believes the bad blood is between you and your father and wants the children to maintain their relationship with their grandparents, especially around the holidays.
She is going against what you want, and based on that, I can see why you think there is a bad ex-etiquette component to all this, but it also sounds as if you are letting your anger with your father cloud your judgment, and as a result you are being spiteful. "I'm angry with Dad, so the kids have to stay away from him."
That breaks two of the primary rules of good ex-etiquette: rules No. 5 and 6, "Don't be spiteful" and "Don't hold grudges." You make your judgments in the best interest of the kids -- not because you're angry and want everyone to do what you want them to do. Mom seems to see that and is making her decisions accordingly.
If you read this column, you know I always suggest my readers consult the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents for direction. Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 1 is, "Put the children first." Rule No. 7 is, "Be empathetic when problem solving" or, better said, put yourself in your kids' shoes. With that in mind, how do you think your kids will feel about not being allowed to see grandma and grandpa around the holidays? Truth is 6-year-olds will not understand why you're angry with grandpa -- nor will they care -- even if you are right and grandpa is wrong.
It is unfortunate that this falling out happened so close to Christmas. However, use it as an opportunity to rise above anger and resentment in your children's best interest. You don't have to "give in" before you've worked it out with your father, but if the children are not in danger at grandma and grandpa's, allowing them to continue the tradition of celebrating with their grandparents until you can work out your problems with your dad will serve them best.
Finally, it appears Mom is an unbiased third party, even though you are skeptical of her intentions. In the spirit of Christmas and good ex-etiquette, I suggest you follow her lead and support their holiday with grandma and grandpa. While the kids are at their grandparents' home, remember Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 3, "No badmouthing." No matter how angry you are at your father or at your ex, they are your children's grandfather and mother. Badmouthing them in front of the kids will hurt the kids far more than it will hurt anyone else.
For more information about the practical use of the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents, check out www.bonusfamilies.com key word: ten rules.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 12/17/2014