I've been thinking about what poor ol' Lieutenant Governor Mark Darr ought to say. I've come up with a draft of public remarks. I'd like to submit that draft now for his and your consideration.
"I could have been a contender. I could have been somebody.
"But I was a smart-aleck, as evidenced by my being loose with the rules on raising and spending money and signing that pro-handgun bill when Mike Beebe was out of state.
"If I'd been a tad more respectful to Beebe, though he's a bit of a smart-aleck himself, then maybe he wouldn't have fallen over himself to call on me to resign and start this gosh-darned irrepressible drumbeat against me.
"I know that I pranced around here like a peacock although I was a nothin'--lieutenant governor, for goodness sakes. A job with no job.
"I took seriously--straight to my head--the phrase I read in the paper that I was the top-ranking office-holder of the party emerging to run this state.
"But that was on paper. It wasn't really so.
"Still, please permit me, if you would, to say just this much in my behalf: Honest to goodness, I cannot accept that I deserve all this disgrace people are heaping on my balding head.
"I messed up my campaign-finance stuff, yes. Some people messed things up for me in my bookkeeping and expense-taking, but it was my ultimate fault, yes.
"But the facts come down to two things:
"One, I was helping myself to money that was mine in the first place on account of having loaned it to my campaign. And, yes, I helped myself to a few thousand more than I should have, but that was accidental and I'm going to pay it back as soon as I can. I'm a little strapped these days, OK?
"Two, I used state money for travel that wasn't allowed, and I should have known better, and I've paid a lot of that back. It just seems to me that, if I have to come from Springdale to Little Rock to work, then I ought to get the same consideration a state representative from Springdale gets.
"But it's not about how it seems to me, is it? It's about how it is. It's about what the meaning of is is.
"Life isn't fair and people get bored when you whine about stuff like that, especially when it's their money you're getting improperly reimbursed with.
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't recognize myself or the universe I inhabit when I read these editorials about what a criminal outrage I am and how the Democrats in the Legislature are going to impeach--IMPEACH--me.
"Can you imagine? Articles of impeachment and a trial in the Senate--what an expense and spectacle--over a few thousands because I was an arrogant idiot.
"If only I could be left to stew in my own arrogant idiocy. Now there's some punishment for you.
"Alas, I cannot. As political rhetoric goes, as lines of defense go, traveling around the state saying, 'Not as bad as Shoffner and not as bad as Bookout,' or, 'I didn't get no pie nor no home entertainment system,' well, that's somewhere south of compelling, somewhere short of winning.
"So sometimes you have to rise above deeper personal principle and serve the greater public convenience and practicality.
"And here's the convenience and practicality:
"One--I'm a lame duck anyway, in the last few months of a nothing job with no political future. What am I hanging on to here, exactly?
"Two--I've got poor old Asa Hutchinson strung out trying to resist the mobs coming for me, and that's going to hurt his governor's race if I don't take him off the hook.
"Three--I've got friends in my party in the Legislature who are telling me they do not want to have to go one way or the other on this impeachment nonsense.
"Four--If I can take my personal ego and pride out of the equation, then I can come to the realization that this is not so much about me. The fact of the matter is most people don't know who I am or that I'm here, and they won't know any different if I'm gone.
"Yes, what we have here is a matter of convenience and practicality--not for me, but for others.
"This wasn't any job to start with. I need to go get a real one, even if it's yard maintenance. I have refunds and fines to pay.
"So then, in a final act of selflessness--I would just like to say: I quit."
"How do I do it, exactly? Send a letter to Beebe? OK. Tell him to be watching the mailbox. I'll send it to 'occupant.' That'll irk him."
"And Prosecutor Jegley: If you want to haul me before a grand jury over this, then haul away. I know you don't have much serious crime to worry about there in Little Rock. And if I get convicted, maybe I can get on that probation and parole gravy train y'all are running down there."
John Brummett's column appears regularly in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Email him at jbrummett@arkansasonline.com. Read his blog at brummett.arkansasonline.com, or his @johnbrummett Twitter feed.