Commentary

U.S. should leave flopping to rest of world

The president of Uruguay doesn't usually get quoted in sports pages, but Jose Mujica said something illuminating the other day.

"I didn't see him bite anyone."

He was talking about Luis Suarez. Out of 7 billion earthlings, Mujica apparently was the only one who didn't see Suarez mistake an Italian guy for a pizza. Since it happened in a World Cup match, the president conveniently looked the other way.

Let me be clear. Most South American presidents and soccer devotees do not condone cannibalism. But it is acceptable to flop, flail, fake and take almost any shortcut to win a World Cup.

The institutionalized cheating raises a prickly question as the U.S. team enters the knockout round of the tournament on Tuesday.

Should we stoop to such chicanery?

To quote Patrick Henry: Give me self-respect, or give me World Cup death!

Not to get all jingoistic, but I'd rather get bitten by a crazed Uruguayan than see the U.S. team act like typical soccer guys.

You've seen how they try to dupe officials into giving them penalty kicks. An opponent grazes them, and they'll drop to the ground as if they've been tasered. They flail and moan so much you'd swear they need last rites. Ten seconds later, they're good as new. It's all part of the anything-goes mentality that pervades soccer.

Before Suarez comes after me, I'll admit that U.S. sportsmen aren't above cutting corners. Or, in Lance Armstrong's case, pedaling over them at 90 mph. But international soccer makes Barry Bonds look like Billy Graham.

The corruption starts at the top, where bribery will get you anywhere with FIFA officials. The sport endures a huge match-fixing scandal every few years. Nobody is suggesting the current games are rigged like Wrestlemania, but there has been the usual subterfuge.

Brazilian striker Fred pretended he was mauled by a Croatian, earning his team a crucial penalty kick. A Brazilian TV helicopter hovered over Chile's closed practice session, beaming live action over the country's largest network. After the outcry over Suarez biting Giorgio Chiellini, Uruguay's coach said, "This is a soccer World Cup, not about cheap morality."

Tell that to Chiellini's shoulder.

The problem is those antics sometimes work, and one small break can be huge in a sport where the average team scores once a month. Another problem is that the U.S. isn't very good at cheating.

"I don't know if you call it a problem or a weakness," U.S. assistant coach Tab Ramos told The New York Times. "But it's clear that the American nature is to try to make everything fair, to try to be fair to the game. That's just how Americans are."

Americans want to laugh when Fred flops like a fish. Brazilians want to give him an Oscar. Then they wonder what's wrong with us.

The blame begins with the Founding Fathers, none of whom played soccer. They believed in the rule of law and American exceptionalism.

We didn't become a world superpower by crying like a baby every time some country bumped us. We sucked it up and took care of business.

If we can deal with a sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, we can shirk off clowns like Suarez.

It would be much better to lose, keep our teeth free of human flesh and send a message to the world.

Real men don't flop.

Sports on 06/30/2014

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