Tell Me About It

Issue is cost of sister's choices, not her boyfriend's politics

DEAR CAROLYN: My sister "Hillary" has been dating "Mitt" for about four years. During that time they've had a number of spectacular, public breakups -- sometimes because of their politics (they are very active ... on complete opposite ends of the spectrum), sometimes because he is emotionally manipulative (he broke up with her once on her birthday because he "could never be good enough" for her), sometimes because of distance (they have been six-plus hours apart for 3 1/2 out of the four years).

The most recent breakup seems to revolve around a number of issues, but includes some closed-minded, frankly racist comments he made about my husband and in-laws.

When they (inevitably) get back together, how do I sit across the holiday table from him? I was able to grit my teeth and deal because she is a grown-up and it is her choice. Now that I know how he feels about the other half of my family, I have no desire to be friendly. Help!

-- Wishing I Had a Vote

DEAR READER: I know these on-again-off-again drama-fests can make it seem as if the on-again is inevitable, but that doesn't make it OK to treat it that way. That little "(inevitably)" is a pre-emptive I-told-you-so.

Also ancillary, but more importantly, is that it's not OK to take a casual swipe-by-association at an entire political orientation. The Hillary-and-Mitt thing is cleverish when you're talking about a politically mismatched couple, but when your real story is about "Mitt's" closed, racist mind, then choosing that name is a cheap shot.

I say this not just out of basic fairness, but also because it affects my advice: If you want to do right by your relationship with your sister, then lose the eye-rolling. Maybe you're just doing it for our benefit and rein it in around Sis, but in my experience contempt eventually slips its leash.

So. Where does this bring us? Nowhere, for the time being. For as long as your sister remains broken up with [not-Mitt], you have no problem to solve.

If they are ever on again, then you do have something to solve, but not the problem of their drama or their politics or their distance, because those are no more your business now than they ever were.

The problem is that he expressed views of your spouse and in-laws that you find offensive. And so if they make up, then I suggest you say a your-words version of this:

"[Not-Hillary], whom you date is your business. But when your date says what [not-Mitt] did about my husband and his family, and you bring him around for Thanksgiving, then it becomes mine.

"And I have a real problem with your decision to commit to someone who could say such an awful thing about any group of people, much less people I love. If I misunderstood him, then please set me straight -- and if I didn't misunderstand, then I'd like to hear how you've reconciled yourself to his views."

Because that's the real issue, isn't it -- it's not about sitting across the table from [not-Mitt], but instead sitting across from your sister knowing what her choices cost, and what they say about her. It's a difficult but necessary truth to face.

Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. Central time each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email

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Weekend on 10/02/2014

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