DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My brother is really angry with me because he says I claimed credit for a gift that he alone gave to a friend of ours. Here's what happened: I ran into "Heather" not long after her birthday, and she thanked me for the present, assuming that I as well as my brother had bought it for her. I certainly wasn't going to tell an old friend that I hadn't remembered her birthday. So I said I was happy she liked the gift, without commenting on who got it for her. Did I do something as terrible as my brother seems to think?
-- Matt
DEAR MATT: It depends on whether you're a first-time offender.
Given the intensity of your brother's anger, we're wondering if you might have done some free-riding on his thoughtfulness in the past. If that's the case, he has good reason to be resentful. And to make amends, you need to give your old friend a gift of your own and admit that the first gift wasn't from you. Plus you need to break the bad habit that's bugging your brother.
But if you've never before taken credit -- explicitly or implicitly -- for something that only your brother did, then he needs to take a few deep breaths and calm down. As long as you now pay him for half the cost of Heather's present, you've done nothing worse than spare your friend some hurt feelings and yourself some embarrassment.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My siblings and I plan to sell our deceased mother's house next summer, but in the meantime we're renting it out. Since I live nearby, I'm responsible for paying the bills, maintaining the property, collecting the rent and generally dealing with our tenants. When the house is sold, the proceeds will be divided equally among my siblings and me. Would I be within my rights, fairness-wise, to pay myself a percentage of the rent each month for managing the property? And do I need anyone else's permission to do so?
-- Diane
DEAR DIANE: Fairness-wise, you're certainly within your rights to want to be compensated for managing the rental property -- assuming, that is, that your siblings are not also doing comparably time-consuming chores for which they are not being paid. After all, if you weren't doing the work, a paid professional probably would have to. What would be wrong, however, is helping yourself to a piece of the rent without the permission of the estate's executor. By the way, nowhere is it written that siblings who "live nearby" are obligated to do all the heavy lifting for the family, despite what the siblings who don't live nearby may believe. So if the executor says "no" or if your siblings object, you also would be within your rights to insist that someone else take over the property-management responsibilities.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: I enclose small gifts of money -- usually a $10 or $20 bill -- in the birthday cards I send to my school-age grandchildren (the youngest are in elementary school, the oldest are in their late teens, and all of them live in other states). None of my grandchildren ever acknowledges either the card or the money unless I call and ask. And not one of them has ever contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. I'm seriously considering just sending cards with no money, or possibly not even sending cards. The problem is, I'd probably feel guilty, because that's not the kind of person I am. What should I do?
-- Discouraged
DEAR DISCOURAGED: Don't feel guilty. Give 10 or 20 bucks to the charity of your choice in the name of each offending grandchild. The charity will at least say "Thank you."
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at
Questions@MoneyManners.net
Family on 10/22/2014