Col. Dennis J. Humphrey is a veteran not only of the Iraq War, but with three teenage daughters, of the boyfriend wars.
Assigned to the Joint Staff of the Arkansas Army National Guard, Humphrey, 47, tells of the time he was in uniform on a first meeting with one of his daughter's suitors.
"I noticed he was mumbling to himself," the colonel relates. "This didn't seem out of the ordinary for one of my daughter's boyfriends, so I thought nothing of it at the time. It was only later that my wife told me the kid was repeating, 'It's OK to be nervous. It's OK to be nervous.'"
He has potentially intimidating credentials in civilian life as well: chairman of English and fine arts at Arkansas State University, Beebe.
Experience has taught him never to take victory for granted, but he has won his share.
"The kid who pulled up to the end of the driveway and honked to pick one of my daughters up for a date," he recalls, "never came back over again, for some reason."
He questions the concept of a "good" boyfriend. ("I'll have to get back to you on that.") But he knows when to respect the enemy.
"I will say that the ability to keep my teenage daughters happy is no mean feat," he says, "and it speaks volumes about the young man's patience, work ethic and financial resources."
These are among Humphrey's boyfriend-management tips that other dads might find useful:
• "I find that knowing one of my daughters' boyfriends is on his way over puts me in the mood to do some of those pesky chores I've been putting off -- like cleaning my guns, which I naturally do in full view of anyone who happens to enter the front door."
• "I ask the young man what time it is. If he answers, it establishes two things: first, he has an operational watch or other timepiece, and second, he knows how to tell time with it. If he does not answer, I test his ability to read a calendar by informing him of the date of his next opportunity to answer the first question correctly."
• "If the boy is coming over on the weekend, I arrange to have a difficult chore in progress at the time of his arrival. ... This allows me to see if the boy will pitch in without being asked.
"Do not, however, give him access to power tools. That bit of knowledge cost me the price of a new chainsaw."
• "Animals are excellent judges of character [much better, in fact, than my daughters are], so I like to introduce young suitors to our pit bull, Dakota, during the inevitable wait as the aforementioned daughter spruces up before leaving. I show the young swain how Dakota likes to be petted and scratched just behind her massive jaw muscles. And I mention how protective she is, and how nervous it makes Dakota for people to come in the house after everyone has settled down for bed.
"I also ensure beforehand that Dakota has rolled around in the neighbor's garbage ... in the full knowledge of two things:
"First, when my daughter is ready to go, she will not give her date time to wash his hands before rushing him out the door; and second, she will also not let those dirty smelly hands near her."
Family on 10/29/2014