Shortly after the news broke that funny lady Joan Rivers had died from minor surgery complications, a friend posted a Facebook comment, causing me to cringe.
"Joan Rivers has died. Now the family must make the tough decision ... cremation, burial or RECYCLE!"
How very rude.
How very ruthless.
How very ... Rivers.
Before an initial gasp could fully take shape, it morphed into a from-the-gut giggle. It was the same reaction I had when watching Rivers all these years -- on her short-lived nighttime talk show, on red carpets, on television appearances, on comedy specials and on E!'s Fashion Police.
And it was the reaction I had several times during a radio interview with Rivers I took part in on KURB-FM, 98.5, back in 2009 when my comedian-heroine was promoting her role on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice.
There was no time to warn the indelicate Rivers to watch her language prior to the interview, so a co-host gently coached her at the start to behave because she was live on a "family" radio station.
"I hate family," she croaked with disgust. Feigned disgust, of course, as knows anyone who has caught an episode of her tiny tight-knit family's show Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? on WE TV.
All this in mind, I replied to my friend's "cremation, burial or RECYCLE!" post: "Joan would have loved that joke and laughed the hardest."
And she would have. A statement Melissa Rivers made about her mother confirmed it: "My mother's greatest joy in life was to make people laugh. Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon."
Let's try to do that. I'll attempt some Rivers-inspired roasting of the icon I will miss like a most embarrassing -- and most favorite -- great aunt.
• Joan Rivers died at age 81. Her cheek implants at age 20. Her fat injections at 12. Her nose -- the third one -- at age 7.
• Joan Rivers is survived by her daughter Melissa, her grandson Cooper, and best friends Restylane, Botox and Juvederm.
• Did you know that, in addition to supporting God's Love We Deliver, Guide Dogs for the Blind and Our House, Joan Rivers was an advocate for education? That's right, she single-handedly funded the tuition of every child of every plastic surgeon in New York and Los Angeles.
• Joan Rivers was buried wearing pieces of her QVC costume jewelry collection. To guard against grave robbers.
• Joan Rivers was not buried wearing pieces of her QVC costume jewelry collection. It's not like she'd be caught dead in them either.
• Even in the grave, Joan Rivers, the late host of E!'s Fashion Police, is still hard at work. Only now instead of identifying celebs wearing similar outfits -- "B**** stole my look!" -- she's moved on to skeletons -- "Stiff stole my look!"
• Celebrities like Barbara Walters, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rosie O'Donnell, Kristin Chenoweth, Kathy Griffin and Kathie Lee Gifford turned out for Joan's star-studded funeral last Sunday to pay their respects. Or to go "Nyah nyah! Now you can't say anything about what I'm wearing."
• It is just as well Joan Rivers is dead. Seeing Whoopi Goldberg's shapeless funeral garb -- is that her old Sister Act habit? -- with mismatched shoes certainly would have killed her.
• Upon her death, Joan Rivers was immediately welcomed into heaven. Wait, no, TV friend-turned-rival Johnny Carson had her banned from there too.
Can we talk? Email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 09/14/2014