Spin Cycle

Miss America: Her red cup runneth over with happiness

Newly crowned Miss America Kira Kazantsev (right) gets a kiss from her mother, Julia Kazantsev, victory cup in hand.
Newly crowned Miss America Kira Kazantsev (right) gets a kiss from her mother, Julia Kazantsev, victory cup in hand.

We all know what an a cappella act is.

But at last week's Miss America pageant, Miss New York Kira Kazantsev introduced us to something new.

The "a cup-ella" act.

Yes, cup. A plastic cup. Miss New York played a plastic cup. As her talent. At the Miss America pageant.

And she won.

If we sound bitter, it's because we most certainly are. Our own Miss Arkansas Ashton Jo Campbell, who beautifully belted out the religious "Via Dolorosa," was slighted and awarded second runner-up. (Some dummy won first runner-up -- really. Miss Virginia Courtney Paige Garrett is a ventriloquist.)

For those who didn't see it -- for those who saw it but doubted themselves, thinking it was a nightmare -- here's how it went down.

Shortly after being introduced, Kira "The Cup" Kazantsev assumed a cross-legged sitting position on the stage, with the red cup as the opening strains of Pharrell Williams' "Happy" (and not Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup") were played.

"It might sound crazy what I'm 'bout to say," she sang into her headset. It's not what she said that was crazy, but what she did next.

Clap clap. Tap tap tap. Bump. Flip. Flip.

She patted the plastic vessel like a percussive instrument and pitched it like a plaything. The effect was less African drumming ensemble and more infant with sippy cup.

As she thumped and slapped, little biographical tidbits about Kira were shared on the screen, such as "Loves Anything Jane Austin." (Yes, the scholarship pageant misspelled Austen.) Hmm, what's her favorite book? (Non)Sense and Sipability? Another: "Enjoys street hot dogs." What, no Cup Noodles and Cup-a-Soup?

If this talent "cup d'etat" wasn't mockery enough, she had the nerve to be comfortable. When everyone else was being chafed by high heels or dance shoes, this Cup-cake chose to go barefoot.

Still, Kira was awarded the sparkly crown (what, she couldn't just wear the cup on her head?).

Anyone else think there are more than a "cup-le" of things wrong with all this? Besides the contenders' parents who certainly spent a fortune investing in their daughters' dance and piano lessons.

Kira was quoted as explaining her talent choice: "I wanted every single little girl in America to be able to see that you can do that talent. You can do whatever talent you want on national television -- even with a red cup -- and still be Miss America and have the time of your life. I literally in that minute and 30 seconds had the most fun I've ever had, and that's because I stayed true to myself and I did what I wanted to do for my talent, no matter what everybody else told me, and it paid off. I'm very happy about it."

At least her talent, which made Sandra Bullock's goofy musical water glasses act in Miss Congeniality look masterful, was original, right?

Uh, no, Kira admits she borrowed the idea from another movie: Pitch Perfect.

Well, at least her talent gives us all something to practice during the next tailgate.

It's too bad that it's Miss USA that goes on to Miss Universe. We would have liked to see if Miss America Kira could have won the world cup.

My cup runneth over when you email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 09/21/2014

Upcoming Events