Here's the new and returning lineup for the next two days. New shows are in bold:
Today:
7 p.m. -- Selfie (ABC).
7:30 p.m. -- Manhattan Love Story (ABC).
Wednesday:
8 p.m. -- Criminal Minds (CBS).
9 p.m. -- Stalker (CBS).
THE NEW STUFF
"That's not funny."
If there's one thing I've learned from writing a Saturday humor column for this newspaper for 34 years, nothing is more subjective than what's funny. What may be uproariously hilarious to one is unvarnished piffle to another.
Piffle is a good example. Some will be mildly amused by the thought of varnishing piffle; others will wonder why the heck not just say "nonsense" and be done with it?
And in 21 years on the TV beat, there's nothing I'm more certain of than the futility of predicting a successful comedy.
I was there on the front row of the press tour in California in the summer of 1994 when NBC introduced the fresh-faced cast of its new ensemble comedy Friends. Nobody saw it coming.
In fact, the majority of my cohorts were putting their money on a similar comedy debuting that fall. Most believed that Fox's Wild Oats, starring Paul Rudd, Paula Marshall, Jana Marie Hupp and Tim Conlon would be the breakout hit of the two.
Wild Oats lasted all of six episodes. Friends lasted 10 seasons and is still playing in syndication 24/7 around the world.
Comedy is tough. The Los Angeles Times crunched the numbers and notes that of the 21 new comedies last season, only five are returning this fall. In the past five years, only 14 of the 82 prime-time sitcoms are still on the air.
That statistic isn't at all funny to those who put their hearts, minds and bankrolls behind the shows.
Nonetheless, the four major networks -- ABC, CBS, Fox and NBC -- keep trying to find the magic formula, rolling out 18 new comedies this season in hopes one will be the next Big Bang Theory or Modern Family.
Sitcoms always have been the moneymakers for the networks. They are far less expensive to produce than hour dramas and sell better in syndication on cable.
Industry observers point to video streaming services and cable, where censorship doesn't cramp creativity, for eating into the network comedy talent pool. The broadcast networks have certain lines that can't be crossed.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, for example, entertained us for years as Elaine on Seinfeld. Now she stars in HBO's Veep, where she gets to curse like an adult and has won the Emmy for lead actress in a comedy for two consecutive years.
The Times reports that a monster hit such as The Big Bang Theory can produce as much as $2 billion over its lifetime in syndication. That makes up for all the comedy failures and easily pays for the three main stars' $1 million per episode paychecks.
And so we come to the two sitcoms that debut tonight. Will they be hits or fizzle and quickly fade away? Put your money on the latter.
Unfortunately, ABC's Selfie and Manhattan Love Story have the dubious honor of making many critics' "Worst New Shows" lists.
Selfie (7 p.m.) is a modern-day Pygmalion (that's My Fair Lady for some), with Scottish-born Karen Gillan (Doctor Who) starring as Eliza Dooley (get it?), a tweeting, app-addicted, Instagraming, Facebooking narcissistic sales rep who has an embarrassing mishap go viral and asks slick marketer Henry (John Cho, Harold & Kumar) to help her rebuild her image.
If you enjoy the charming Gillan's over-the-top performance, this might work for you. If not, it's just another mediocre comedy.
Manhattan Love Story (7:30 p.m.) stars Analeigh Tipton (Crazy, Stupid, Love) as Dana and Jake McDorman (Shameless) as city slicker Peter. The gimmick: Their voice-overs reveal their inner thoughts to the audience.
Dana is innocent and inexperienced; Peter is an arrogant jerk. Sexual stereotypes abound, but the actors are cute if you can stick with it for however long it lasts.
That brings us to the lone new drama debuting during the next two days.
Stalker slinks in at 9 p.m. Wednesday on CBS from creator Kevin Williamson (Scream, The Following). The pilot has been universally panned for senseless, grisly violence. Example: A woman is stalked and set on fire in the first few minutes.
The series stars Maggie Q (Nikita) as Lt. Beth Davis and Dylan McDermott (Hostages, American Horror Story) as Detective Jack Larsen. They're on the Los Angeles Police Department's anti-stalking squad, but Larsen is also a stalker and Davis has been stalked.
You can sample the pilot, but that's an hour of your life you'll never get back.
• Downton warning: Season 5 of Downton Abbey has premiered across the pond. If you don't want to be tipped off before it arrives on PBS in January, be alert for spoilers that may work their way into conversations, on the Internet and in social media.
The TV Column appears Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Email: mstorey@arkansasonline.com
Style on 09/30/2014