My dog Baxter died a couple of weeks ago. He was acting sluggish and had lost his appetite, so I took him to his veterinarian about six weeks ago and the vet told me he was eaten up with cancer. I am completely devastated and can't stop thinking about him. I miss him every day. People tell me getting another dog right away will make the pain go away. I don't think so. Some people don't understand that Baxter was a real family member. He wasn't "just a dog," like one person told me. I don't have a question but just want to know how long this pain lasts and how I can get through it.
Grief over the loss of a treasured animal companion is just as real and normal as the emotions experienced after any kind of loss, say experts in grief. Unfortunately, there are those people who don't recognize the pet-loss grief and who don't hesitate to tell the person in mourning that he shouldn't feel so sad over the death of an animal. Well, that's a bunch of kitty litter.
Everybody processes grief differently, which means there's no set timeline for recovering from a loss, according to rainbowsbridge.com, a website that offers support for people mourning the death of a pet. A person might be sad for weeks, months or years. One person might want to handle his grief by getting a new pet immediately while another might not consider doing so for months or a year. For some people, acquiring a new animal when their old one reaches an age of fragility or becomes ill is a way of assuaging their grief and easing the transition between new and old. The new pet may provide comfort as they mourn their loss.
Many people are surprised at the depth of their feelings when a pet dies. While they find friends and family members with pets to be sympathetic, they're dismayed and surprised when others tell them to "get over it" or blithely suggest replacing the deceased pet. The lesson here is to judiciously choose whom you reach out to for comfort and support. You may want to only talk to other pet owners or animal lovers who have experienced a loss and can empathize with you. Also keep in mind that there's no timetable on getting another pet. You'll know when you're ready to make that decision.
During the grieving process, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals suggests creating a special place in your home where you can go when you want to remember your pet. I did this after losing Simone, my 13-year-old Pomeranian, to cancer six months ago. Hanging on the wall in my office is large picture of Simone lounging on the lawn in my backyard. With it, I've grouped a few smaller photos. The result is a nice memorial that makes me smile. I will admit, though, that looking at her photos wasn't entirely comforting at first. Getting to that point took some time.
Talking about your feelings can be cathartic, but it's not always easy to unburden yourself to people you know. Sometimes it's good to talk to a neutral party who isn't emotionally invested in you and your loss. After Simone's death, I was concerned that I might wear out my friends and family by oversharing my feelings so I decided to check out one of the free grief hotlines offered by veterinary schools and animal-welfare agencies.
Pet-loss hotlines are staffed by volunteers who are pet lovers trained to provide grief support. The counselor I talked with at the American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals service listened and let me vent. She never seemed impatient to get off the phone, plus she validated and respected my feelings.
You might find it helpful to talk to a person accustomed to dealing with pet-loss grief. When you call one of these free services, you'll initially reach an answering service, but leave a message and someone will get back to you.
• ASPCA, (877) 474-3310
• Chicago Veterinary Medical Association, (630) 325-1600
• Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine, (607) 253-3932
• Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University, (508) 839-7966
Hang in there. Grief can be overwhelming at first, but each day will bring a bit of relief. Six months after Simone's death, I continue to think of her daily but I no longer feel the acute pain present immediately after my loss. I find comfort in my memories and feel grateful for the time she was here.
Family on 04/15/2015